One of the ways in which religious and political groups keep control over their members is by erecting high barriers that distinguish the ‘in’ crowd from those outside. These barriers are not, of course, physical barriers but they act in just as an effective way. They show those inside an organisation, as well as those outside, where the boundaries lie. In extreme groups, the person inside will think little about those who are not part of the group because they are conditioned to look only inside for their social support, emotional needs and source of teaching and guidance. The people outside are in some sense ‘infidels’ or heathen. Either way they are not worthy of any attention or support.
Such boundaries are of course to be regretted when they undermine cohesion within a society. Multiculturalism, as we have suggested recently, does little to challenge what are effectively ghettos. But a greater evil can be seen when individuals are pushed out, for whatever reason, from the tightly knitted security of a religious group. In the process called ‘shunning’, an individual is expelled by all those who had, till then, been the source of social and emotional support. This is a cruel and barbaric practice and not infrequently leads to depression or even suicide. The more an individual had obtained his identity from being part of the group, the greater the sense of total desolation when he is cast out. Shunning, either as an implied threat to all members of a group or as an actual punishment, is something that a blog like this should name as utterly contemptible. It certainly should be outlawed in any group which identifies with Jesus, the man who did so much to welcome the ostracised and the shunned in Jewish society.
In my reflecting on the implications of shunning I have begun to see that it is much worse than an act of hate. When we hate someone, we are consumed by an intense dislike. However much we may dislike the individual we still recognise that he exists and will continue to exist. Shunning takes hatred to a different level. Within the act of shunning there is an implied pretending that he/she has somehow ceased to exist. The person concerned has become such a threat to the organisation, that we have to treat him as a non-person so that the equilibrium of the organisation be not disturbed. If he could be made to disappear, then that would be the best solution. The person who makes the decision to shun someone is probably not fussy as to how they should be made to disappear, even if actual murder is, inconveniently, not a practical option as far as the law of the land is concerned.
I hope that I am not exaggerating when I suggest that the act of shunning is form of psychological murder, the desire that someone should cease to exist. All feelings, all sympathy and the memory of former communication with them is to be withdrawn. This total turning the back on another human being is shocking and reprehensible. My studies on cultic-like churches have brought me face to face with the victims of shunning and the effect on them is far more torrid than if they had just incurred the hatred of an individual. In primitive cultures we see the effect of being hexed by the local witch-doctor. When someone actually dies after such a hexing curse, we speculate that the practitioner had somehow managed to destroy the invisible bonds that link an individual into their community, thus rendering them defenceless and their ‘soul’ totally vulnerable. Shunning is the equivalent in the West of being ‘hexed’, even if our Western culture and upbringing affords us a greater level of psychic defence than is found in primitive societies. We are of course dealing with approximations of what seems to be happening in these actions, but I hope my reader can at least follow my line of argument.
I have mentioned the experience of being shunned by individuals at Trinity Church, Brentwood. I am sure my readers have other experiences of this horror to add to this discussion. The crossing over the road to avoid speaking to someone, forbidding your children speaking to their children; all these are far more cruel than insulting them to their face. To tell someone by your actions that you would prefer it if they disappeared off the face of the earth is a pretty terrible thing. And yet this is the daily experience of tens of thousands of ex-members of religious groups of all kinds across the world. The group, in order to protect its purity, has to deny a voice, or even existence, to those who criticise it, or worse still decide to abandon its version of truth.
As a final comment, I would want to say to anyone who belongs to or considers joining a religious group, whether Christian or otherwise, how does the leadership deal with those who leave? Do they practice shunning? Do you really think that your spiritual welfare is going to be furthered if you get caught up with having to, along with everyone else, shun ex-members? Do you really want to be a person who practises ‘spiritual murder’? There is no other way to describe such a horrific denial of Jesus’ command to love our enemies. There is also no better way to destroy our integrity as human beings than by forcing us to become part of a baying mob who wants to psychologically murder or destroy someone for the ‘crime’ of having left our group.
If you find your way to this page, you might wish to watch my Youtube of my lecture given in Stockholm for the International Cultic Studies Association in June 2015. Type Stephen Parsons 2015 in youtube search
Of course you’re right. A vile and detestable practice. But just to play devil’s advocate, there are Biblical texts which appear to suggest just such action. And, just by the by, I have been shunned, not by the whole organisation on the instructions of its leader. That is to take things to a whole higher level. But by the leader, and by another highly placed person in it. Walking round a pillar to avoid making contact, walking past with their head turned pointedly away. The CofE does this. Perhaps sometimes it’s a good idea to look nearer to home.
Im. So. Sorry. This. Has. Happened. I. Have. Been. Reading. Alot. On. Emotional. Injury. Lawsuits. Brought. Against. Churches. For. Phycological. Harrassment. Intimidation. Useing. Physical. Gestures. Of. Threats. Conspiring. On. How. To. Shun. And. Follow. Through. With. Their. Cruel. Agenda. Its. Unbelievable. To. Read. They. To. Do. The. Unthinkable. Break. The. Civil. And. Criminal. Laws. Of. Invasion. Of. Privacy. Publically. Slander. And. Shame. Their. Victims. But. The. Lord sees. Stay. Close. To. The. Lord. No. Matter. What. Keep. Going. To. Church. Take. The. Best. Of. It. Ignore. The. Gossips .slanders. Ignorant. Christians. That. Dont. Have. A. Clue. The. Lord. Loves. You. Jesus. Is. Right. There. So. Sorry. You. Have. Been. Hurt like. That. Im. Just. Now. Discovering. The. Injustices. That. Are. Practised. In. Churches. Totally. Unscripture. Godbless. You. Romans 8 : 35-39. Isaiah 41:10-11. Jesus. Is. The. Only. Way. Truth. And. Life. Find. A. Good. Fellowship. Christian. Talk. Radio. Music. Scripture. Ignore. The. Fools.
That’s me ..private worship… I’m done with domestic violence being taught and practiced i,,,spys being sent out to cause you harm.. macisous form of domestic violence people are learning from being in some of these places..
these are civil right violations .. JW are roughy they don’t any rights put up with folks stalking them report back to someone whom think thier God ….and they all iidokize him as God .. and are brainwashed to accept him as God.. they aren’t God..
RLDS community do the same they spy out on friend find out they are and reoiet back .. not accurately to some one they brainwashed and play god … they read out God cuts off trees fro. Olive bushes and I God .. no. You my think your God… and have folks idolize but they aren’t God…
These are stocking , violations and civil rights violations …. that’s why these start with you have no rights .. forget the freedom of religion we own you.. we are a aggressive violent groups and we don’t care ….Yhey have no business running these cults .. and playing God within the groups and setting out to lifetime punish :..they intent to cause harm… its intentional …they don’t believe in Grace because … Jesus dosent exsist….Jesus I was why human sacrifices and animal sacrifices were no longer needed .. you don’t shun using human sacrifices and claim we’re doing it because we need to be close to God… Jesus filled the gap.. it’s no wonder one these cults doing don’t celebrate Jesus both or birthdays or Christmas total brain them … jjesus wasn’t born nothing … they do celebrate his death …. RLDS trun the same no Jesus shun… infusing human sacrifices to. Claim they close to God….they deny thier is Jesus ..no way … shunning is a true sign they use human sacrifices and don’t know Jesus
I’m likely to come back here and comment again on this post, but what I found to be so hard was I called the total “loss of personhood” involved in my shunning. It’s bad enough that they abandon you like the poor scapegoat who was abandoned to evil after projected, undeserved guilt was imputed to it, but you are no longer a human being that exists to them. They only fly over now and then after you leave, like a vulture looking for anything that they can pick off your carcass (as you aren’t even a corpse to them anymore).
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Turn them to police dept… this is America… your a grown up and have the right of freedom of Religion ..
In these meetings of shunning the violence preaches wishes your death …they go out to 2o0 waiting to hear they malicious act someone claiming they are of God.. and are God idilizibg themselves as God … theirs a local pd … you can out to your church .. cult whatever … until domestic violence on folks ends.. no more this notion that folks are supose to go after .. or run folks out of town …thier rights ends when you walk out the door…..
Thank you Cindy for this post. Having spoken to you and others in Washington, I realise that this experience of being shunned is the most painful part of leaving a cult or extreme religious group. I also realise that as long as you are in the group, the group protects you from this personal deconstruction. It is only when you leave you take on the full horror of feeling your identity falling apart. I have done some reading on the social psychology of ‘ostracism’ and this may form the basis for a lecture for next year’s ICSA conference. It is right at the heart of the cult problem. Thank you for sharing the vivid images. They are powerful.
I remember a ‘prophecy’ being given at the bible school I attended in the mid 1970’s, it went like this (I think I can remember it almost verbatim), “There are black spots among you, they will divide you beware”
This mentality is very much alive and well in 2014. What to me seems the obvious social aspect of the gospel, like relief of the poor and disempowered, is anything but obvious to most of the churches I have attempted to communicate with in my area. I regard myself as being systematically shunned by their leaders.
Anyone who brings up things you would think to be obvious in terms of a basic Christian response, is shunned. I notice this most of all with attitudes to the Care of the Elderly. I see no corporate will that wants to challenge the Government, about the failings of the CQC and matters relating to employer abuse, and the disempowerment of the poorly educated. Ritualistic answers carefully worded with ‘get out’ clauses there is plenty of, but you try asking for practical help and I solemnly assure you, you will be shunned.
Extremely depressed, Chris Pitts
Because they are whistle blowers… and they shunned from cults … cults teach fear.. and you have no rights … what does claiming rights for the ederly say??, they have rights that opens the door for folks thinking they have rights… they don’t want you to have rights …or think have them ..
To no rights to your body .. what medical, birth control they want to control. What you read , listen too,,, your friends. Whom you marry . What you say , If your allowed to raise your kids or not and who you shun and can talk to… they can’t risk someone walking around claiming they rights .. some are out walking marching around claiming fetuses have rights … after your born … your rights don’t exist to them…..
Yes, it sounds familiar, Chris. Is there a food bank in your area? It may be run, or assisted by the church. If you have time to help, it may cheer you up to meet people who are doing what Christians should do. As to the willingness or otherwise of clergy to give you any pastoral support, well, I’m afraid, I have the same experience. They don’t even listen long enough to find out that you have a problem. Or that actually you don’t, or you do, but you’re rather picking the scabs, or anything. They just don’t engage. As if you hadn’t said anything. Weird. But I’ve come across the real shunning. All I can say, Chris, is thank God we haven’t experienced that. The Unions used to do this “sent to Coventry”. It’s vile.
Thanks English Athena.
It’s good for me to feel your support. Without getting into dramatic effect, I regard Stephen Parsons as a modern day prophet. He has not allowed his intellect to cloud his judgement, even when dealing with the Anglican Church that he obviously loves.
The vast distance between peoples experience of life in our country has led us to an impasse. The will to explore this deadlock simply does not exist.
We end up with the trinkets of religion dished out to the desolate people.
Identifying the failures and evasions in this area will take a lot of very straight talking!
Stephen, has tried very hard to head up this discussion, he has been shunned.
The only way that I see forward is to get out on to the street and together say ‘No’ as effectively as politicians say ‘Yes’. I and my fellow members of the Intergalactic Fish Club are ready willing and able for the revolution. Peace, Chris
The 🇺🇸 Represents being able to leave a religion .. without , being victim of the org claiming when your shunned you volunteer your kids to us../ and volunteer your car if are invited to our church .. because you were shunned… no these are crimminal acts they volunteer ….
Extremly clever and manipulating The Bible … they are wolves in sheeps clothing …
They boarder Civil Rigjts . And crimminal claiming you don’t deseve any help from either one :. And claim they have the right to practice thier illegal activites claiming it’s their freedom of religion and separation of Church and state … no church had a different meaning …
Cults are illragal to operate because they have illegal activity to help folks volunteer thier kids . Property etc….
Echoing Chris Pitts comment above, upon re-reading this post, I also found the alienation within the group to be almost more painful. During the last quarter of my time in the Shepherding Discipleship group, my husband and I endeavored to advocate for the women who were suffering domestic abuse (and some other psychologically abusive behavior in other areas of the church). While we were met with different tactics of punishment, for refusal to comply, we found ourselves being pushed to the margins of the group — and the positive reinforcement ceased. I saw more of Albert Biderman’s Chart of Coercion elements at work, as we were being “tested” with trivial demands and occasional indulgences before I even knew about these dynamics.
As people in groups usually do, I clung to the confirmation bias that the group was virtuous, and the mounting evidence that their virtue was limited and so selective proved very painful. It took me a few years after I left the group to rightly classify that direct and indirect pressure to conform as a potent type of punishment. (I struggle against using the word, wishing that I could call it “negative reinforcement” — but that is something entirely different and wouldn’t be remotely accurate.)
During my time as a member but active dissident, I struggled with the dissonance caused by the growing reality that we were being ostracized and marginalized. I could not reckon how I’d lost the sense of “righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit” within that church while contending for contending against something as morally repugnant as domestic abuse. I’m grateful — for it is precisely this pain and issue that jettisoned me out of there, but I found the experience shunning before I actually left to be more traumatic. (I did not realize fully that I would be rejected as unpleasantly as I was after leaving, but I certainly expected it. I didn’t expect it while still a member.)
Being part of the group that Cindy K has described is like a prison sentence. I know it so well Cindy!
There is a darkness involved with this that can hardly be overstated.
The way that these people inveigle their way into your conscience and leave the brain police behind is truly evil.
If I live to be a hundred I will never get over the way they took over my life.
If you get healed Cindy, remember, “It is not he, she, them, or it, that you belong to!”
“Where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty’ 2 Corinthians, 3:15
‘To serve Him is perfect freedom’ St Augustine
Thank you, Chris. Though I check in with my counselor a few times a year, just to stay grounded, I count myself healed. I walked away from my group in ’97, had exit counseling, and I’m now involved in helping people who exit the Fundamentalist Evangelical homeschooling/quiverfull/patriarchy groups in the US. I’m doing all that I can to squeeze every bit of goodness out of what was a needlessly awful experience.
I also sought out Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy which transformed my “flashbulb,” associated memories into memories of sad events that are definitely in my past. I’ll never finish working on personal issues like boundaries, but I didn’t enter my group with a sense of them.
Jesus said that His yoke was easy and His burden was light. Our spiritual journey should help us, not hurt us — and I’m happy that I’ve walked away from these shame-based systems. (I’m grateful for the Episcopal church and the structure of the liturgy.)
I’m glad and encouraged that you’re healing and growing. There are plenty of modern Pharisees out there who make that difficult, but it’s sounds like you’ve learned well how to mark and avoid them. 🙂
Great to hear that Cindy! The knowledge that people are overcoming this is also a help to healing. I still struggle with the concept of a God that loves me unconditionally, but who knows, maybe one day? My wife is ill at present so I may fall off the radar for a bit. LOVE & PEACE, Chris
I’m sorry to hear about your wife. Would it be alright to pray for her? (It’s good practice always to ask) It was having a child that made me see what unconditional love was. I discovered I was terrified what would happen to me if anything happened to him. I was immobilised thanks to an emergency Caesarian section, so I had plenty of time to think. And it was then I came to realise that God loves me like that! It’s an overwhelming feeling, and it was hard to get my head round that God feels it, too. Curiously enough perhaps, I don’t always feel it exactly, but I know it intellectually. And it’s mind blowing.
Thanks English Athena, yes please pray, thank you. Mary has scaring on lungs area (Constant coughing). Bronchoscopy on monday between 8 am and mid afternoon. Really appreciate your prayers. Chris
All the best to Mary. She must be exhausted.
Yes she is. Thanks English Athena. chris-mary@skylash.freeserve.co.uk
Chris, I will pray, too. I suffer from occasional asthma which used to be quite terrible — and I’m blessed and grateful that it only pops up rarely. The frustration and emotional aspects of not being able to breathe comfortably have a dramatic affect on us. Health, comfort, peace and joy to Mary.
Thanks Cindy K. Thanks English Athena. Mary is extremely grateful for your prayers.
I was recently stripped of my church membership of eight years and ordered to be shunned by the entire church membership – about 150 people and their families – on the orders of the pastors/elders (4 men).
I had been active in the ministries of my church – hospitality, the sick, families with new babies, people with cancer, organizing events – etc.
I discovered while doing legal research that a new member was a convicted sex offender and was on Megan’s List (here in California).
I reported it to the pastors/elders. They screamed at me. He was a friend of theirs, etc. They said he was coming off the list of sex offenders which is why he was allowed to join. His supervising law enforcement agency said that was a lie. They were so concerned about the untruths that my pastors/elders told me, they contacted the California Attorney General’s Office (our highest law enforcement agency) which runs Megan’s List and confirmed “it was a total lie”.
I am a mandated child abuse reporter as are these clergy members.
I have watched him touch young children. The pastors/elders said it wasn’t a big deal. He’s a convicted felon who served prison time. Yes, it is a big deal!
The pastors/elders have defended him and put him in all sorts of positions of responsibility. Parents of children have no idea he’s a sex offender. It’s frightening and sickening.
The pastors/elders ordered me to never talk to law enforcement again, never reveal the name of the church I attended, or the names of the pastors/elders.
I was then stripped of my church membership, lied about, and shunned. It’s a bizarre experience.
This happened in Silicon Valley, California. (A well-respected dentist was previously shunned on trumped up charges as well. He and his lovely wife have been married for more than 40-years. It made me sick.)
So I must up my self-care: swimming, exercise, sleep, enjoyment, new hobbies, reading The Bible, doing fun things. This too shall pass.
Grace, can you report him to the law enforcement agencies? Can you tell the people at the church that their children may be being harmed by this man? You did the right thing. Now look after yourself. And pray. And I’m sure others will pray for you.
Grace, So sorry to hear about this but, it does not surprise me. These ‘Pastors’ believe they are the law! They want total power.
Peace to you, Chris Pitts
Thank you for posting. I have posted the link to a church page I was shunned from. I hope to help them to think about this kind of behavior and the impact on others.
Anon, I am glad you have found us. I have developed my thinking a bit since writing this and you might like to have a look at my lecture given in Stockholm last month on ostracism. Just type Stephen Parsons 2015 into youtube. There is lot to be said on this subject and hardly anyone has studied it at depth. Please contact me directly if you want to discuss this further. My email is on the front page.
Kathleen, what can I say? I will put you on my prayer list. I have been the victim of people talking about you rather than to you, as well. But nothing like what you describe. Punishing you for something someone else says and that they haven’t checked or spoken to you about is pretty standard, I think. Shunning is a way of controlling the membership. They see what happened to you, and they are afraid to step out of line in case it happens to them, too. And I hope you get help with your abdominal pain, too. It can be very difficult to diagnose in women. There are three systems it can be, and all the nerves and muscles are tangled up together. All the best, and I’m sure we will all remember you in our prayers.
I exposed a 14 year old girl who felt up a 8 year old a d 7 year old. I have been shunned every since. Don’t trust going to church anymore any where. I still love and trust God
Very sad. Our love and prayers go with you.
Thank you for pointing out that no one else seems to recognise that the church is a place where shunning happens. I did the Google search and this page came up first. The fact that I seem to be the only person that has this insight makes me believe that this blog is worth doing. I get wobbles from time to time wondering whether this site is appreciated but this simple search has given me the determination to persevere a bit longer. By the way I don’t have a facebook account but if you want to send me a piece I can edit it for use on the blog. My email is on the welcome page.
I have experienced shunning at my Episcopal Church, Grace Episcopal in Alexandria VA. So it happens in mainline Protestantism, too.
Hi, Eric. Indeed it is. I hope you have a good Christmas in spite of everything.
I have read that Alexandria Virginia is the USA center for Freemasons, an organization that serves as aggressive ” enforcers” for Protestant denominations. You may have ended up in a church full of Freemasons. I would suggest Googling them, and ignoring the “fraternal organization ” part of what you read and focusing on their relationship with the occult and with organized crime.
I have some news to report. The rector of my church, Bob Malm, has agreed to lift his edict of shunning. Of course, the damage that has been done is in many ways irreversible, including the emotional damage to family members, the reputational damage to the parish, and the fractured relationships in the parish. That’s the truly sad thing–once clergy go over the cliff and resort to shunning, there’s no going back.
That’s good. But was there no way you could just have left? Perhaps if it stops it will help to clear your head and then you can see where to go next.
Hi English Athena. Excellent point. I don’t really have much to do with my parish these days, as there’s not much to be gained from a faith community where shunning is acceptable. But neither did I want to reward bad behavior–if and when I leave, it will be in the time and manner of my choice, versus my priest’s.
Eric. I am sorry to hear of your experience. It is obvious to judge from the numbers of comments on this topic that it is one of considerable moment. Although this blog is fairly small, we do hope that people like yourself who experience the pain of church power abuse find some help from realising that they are not alone.
Thank you. The thing that really irks me is that no one in my parish has the backbone to look the matter square in the eye and simply call a spade a spade.
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President of the RLDS Pres came out claiming .. he had a Revelation only men with sperm have Holy Spirit … and Women only have Holy Spirit when pregnant …. I think he meant barefoot and pregnant …
Then my Revelation that this President over the coununity of Christ / RLDS church never read his bible And skipped a few .. hopped around and came out yet another manipulative statement every must follow because he can’t read ….
Stephen, thank you for this post. I emailed you a while back about some things I’ve realized about my church culture – white US evangelical, in general; Southern Baptist, in particular. Thank you for your gracious reply. Today, I found my way back to your blog by googling “shunning.” Belatedly, I’ve realized that’s what I’ve experienced – profoundly and pervasively – since I began seeing and speaking out about ways we in this part of Christianity have been missing and misrepresenting Christ. Apparently, shunning is an almost universal response to whistleblowers and prophets. But that in no way justifies its being such a common (and profoundly denied) practice in the church. It hurts like hell, because it IS a form of murder, a seeking to murder personhood.
The part in the article that says .. the shunner dosent care how they get rid of you.. that is true murder ,, false inprisionment .. stealing of a car .. calling CPS yes my mother and sister have done it .. my mother sat across a table and discussed putting a device on my car to someone she thought would do it .. My car was stolen .. I was almost put in jail with false testimony from my sister and mother .. as my mother runs with I don’t deseve anything .. these are extremely professional hit women … that sit on the front row of church
Thank you Sheryll. The topic of shunning seems to come up frequently and one day it will be properly addressed by churches. Meanwhile you have to stay strong and try and find people who will support you. They do exist. Many people are waking up to the obscenity and horror of claiming to follow Christ and treating others with barbarity and hatred. I assume you live in the States as your post appeared in the middle of the night for us in Britain. God bless you.
Sheryl, feel free to be in touch with me if you need anything. Stephen has my email address.
Although I don’t like to see anyone have to go through this it does help to know that I am not alone. The thing that confuses me the most is they shun you to get you to leave the church then why do they keep stalking you and spreading gossip-where I shop, eat and even now where I live? Does anyone have an answer to that….are they trying to imtimidate me to go back? I really pray that churches will see how wrong this is and start addressing it and putting a stop to it. I have had to endure many painful things in my life but this is the worst! We all need to stay strong in the Lord! God bless.
It’s so that they can justify to themselves their treatment of you.
The best thing to do is to go cold turkey and just have nothing more to do with them. Or, you can be a curmudgeon like me and blog about their un-Christian lunacy.
Blessings,
Hi Eric,
Ok that would make sense. I would like to look for another church but I know they would just follow me there with their evil gossip. Thanks for your input.
Try the police if they’re stalking. That is illegal. They don’t have a reason, it’s just bullying for its own sake. I’ll pray for you, Denise.
It has been almost two weeks since I have seen them in my neighborhood. I really wish I had reported them at that time. Thanks, I can sure use them right now more than ever! God bless.