And the Epic Fight to Survive Relegation

By Nick Craven, Via-Media Sports Correspondent

Club Motto: Nil Satis Nisi Optimum (“nothing but the best”)

Club Colours: Purple top, shorts and socks (home). Away kit: Post Office Bright Red (Farrow and Ball shade: Angry and Embarrassed).

Club Mascot: Willie Nye and his Crook; a white ferret with an episcopal staff.

Club Chairman and Sole Owner: William Nye esq.

Club Sponsor: Elf-and-Safeguarding

(Our Vision: “Leading Providers of Unctuous Emulsion for the Broken”.)

Head Coach Justin Welby

Ass Coach Steve Cottrell

The famous Twin Towers

Languishing in the National League, this once great Premier League football team of Lambeth Palace FC playing under the twin towers is struggling with performance, team morale, protests from fans and the occasional scandal. Justin Welby clings on as manager, with assistant coach Steve Cottrell at his side.  Now, every fortnight our ace reporter, Gaby Lippy, brings us an exclusive post-match interview. This is a story of a Club in decline, but still aiming for the top!

At present Welby is also the Head Coach for the national team. England haven’t won a game for some time, and comparisons are being drawn between Welby’s time at the helm and the management of Don Revie, Graham Taylor and Steve Mclaren.

Episode One: The Long Losing Streak

Gaby: Well, that was another dreadful defeat away to Synod United, wasn’t it? I know you always hate this fixture. But look, how long do you think you can keep going like this?

Welby: Well, we know we have to start winning games.  To do that, we have to take our chances, score more goals, and not concede so easily.

Gaby: Yes, that does sound simple, but the trouble is you keep losing games, and by large margins.

Welby: Yes, I know. We can only apologise to the fans. We know they deserve better, and we have to get back to winning ways. I’ve said to the team that to win games we have to score goals, and not concede. 

Gaby: Hmmm…do you think you are the right person to lead Lambeth Palace FC? I mean, you have not won a game for months, have trouble scoring, and don’t seem to have much clue as to just how bad this team is performing.

Welby: Look, I’m judged by my results, ultimately. So yes, I think our position doesn’t look good at the moment. But we’ve had a lot of turnover in the team, and many of our best have left. But I have the full confidence of the Owner and Chairman, and as long as he’s happy, I’m staying.  I am fully committed to this club, and getting things right.  We know we have to return to winning ways, and once we start winning, we’ll be back in the top league where we really belong, and challenging for major honours.  I’ve said to the lads, we just have to score more goals and concede less and that’s the way to win games. 

Gaby: In your programme notes last week, before another heavy defeat, you apologised to the fans. You’ve actually done that all season, and all last season when you were relegated. And the season before when you were relegated. In fact, you haven’t won a game for ages. I know you keep apologising, but you play the same way every week, and field the same team. Don’t you think some things might have to change?

Welby: No, I don’t actually. We’ve been unlucky with decisions that have gone against us, and some games that we should have won went against us. But that’s football. We deserved to win against Jay Alexandra, and the lads were gutted when we lost so badly. I thought we played a blinder. We lost to Glasgow Academicals, but that was a cup fixture, so we didn’t really field our strongest team. And yes, we lost badly to Wilkinson Athletic, but we were unlucky, and could have easily won that one.

Gaby: Er…you lost 7-0 to Jay Alexandra, 4-0 to Glasgow Academical and 5-0 to Wilkinson Athletic. I don’t really think you can say these scorelines reflect being “unlucky”.

Welby: Well, as I said to the fans, we are sorry, and we know we have to improve. And to do so we need to score more goals and concede less.  We’ve been working hard in training, and the Assistant Coach, Steve, is really motivating the players now. Our fitness levels are up, and we are heading up the table. In fact, the only way is up.

Gaby: Yes, that’s because you are bottom of the table, and can’t get any lower. There is no relegation from this league.

Welby: I wouldn’t be managing this club if it was easy. That’s why I was appointed!  I always rise to a challenge. The players know that, and so do the fans. The fans just need to get behind us. If they get behind us, we can turn this around. As I said to the lads last week in the dressing room…

Gaby: …Well, can we just speak about the fans? They’re holding placards up saying ‘Sack the Board’, ‘Welby Out’, ‘The End is Nye’ and ‘Give Us Back Our Club’.  The fans chant from the terraces ‘You Don’t Know What You’re Doing’ at you, not the referee. And they also chant, ‘If You’re Crappy and You Know, Clap Your Hands’. The fans have set up a new group, Unhappy Clappy. What do you say to them?

Welby: Well look, we’re staying put, and we’re not going anywhere…

Gaby: Well actually, that was another one of the placards….

Welby: hmm, yes, ok…I really do understand the frustration of the fans. They want to win. Of course they do.  The players want to win. I want to win. So we all want the same thing, so we are united in this, and on the same page. I can say sorry to the fans that results have not gone our way so far, but we are getting there. Despite the results, week-by-week, our performances are actually improving. That is hard to see when you are up against it. This all takes time. Roma FC wasn’t built in a day!

Gaby: …Yes, but you keep losing. Every week. Many fans left at half-time last week, when you went behind 6-0 in the first thirty minutes of the Safeguarding Challenge Cup.

Welby: Yes, that was disappointing. And we have said sorry to the fans, and also said to the fans that we will aim to improve, and are working on getting things right. I mean, you can’t ask for more than that, can you? What we need is more time to turn things around, more investment from the board, and as long as the Chairman has my back, I am staying.

Gaby: You often talk about learning lessons, and lessons-learned reviews after major defeats.  I wonder if you could give us an example of one of these lessons-learned, or perhaps tell us how many lessons have been learned, and what happens to them all?

Welby: Look, I don’t want to put an actual number on the lessons-learned, because, you know, that’s a bit constricting. We’re learning all the time. Lambeth Palace FC teaches other clubs how to play the game, and so of course we’re open to learning all the time. It’s hard to say at any one point which lesson we’re working on, or specify any actual number. All I can say is we keep an eye on what we’ve got to do to win next time, and as long as we do that, things will move in the right direction.  The players know we’re on a journey.

Gaby: Some fans have criticised your team selection in the Safeguarding Challenge Cup. Apparently you insist on playing untested amateurs. Whilst this saves money for the club, the amateurs don’t really seem to be able to play the game in any position, and several don’t appear to understand how the game works at all. There do seem to be lots of yellow cards and red cards, but the players just stay on the field even long after they’ve been sent off. There are lots of substitutions that don’t make any sense, and the team lacks purpose and cohesion. What do you say to the fans here?

Welby: Look, team selection is my job, though the Chairman obviously gets very involved too. We only select the players who are most committed to the way we play the game. Professionals don’t really understand us. They’re expensive, and want to play the game differently. What we want – what the fans want – are people committed to playing the Lambeth Palace way!

Gaby: …er, but…?

Welby: Look, that’s what the fans want and expect. We are not like other teams, and I think I speak for everyone here at the club, and all the fans, when I say that we’d rather lose well as Lambeth Palace FC than win games, or even draw them, playing like some other club just in order to get a result!

Gaby: Seriously…?

Welby: Absolutely, yes. In the end, all the clubs, even the ones miles up the table and in leagues above us, look down on us as an example for the game as a whole. Nobody plays like we do. When other clubs face loads of difficult decisions about players, team selection, investment, governance, leadership, coaching and the like, most clubs ask, before doing anything else, “How does Lambeth Palace FC do it?”. They all take their cue from that.  We are indeed propping up the whole league – yes, all the clubs are above us. We might be bottom of the table, but that means we are the foundation for everybody else, and we’re committed to that support for all the other clubs.  Few teams can say that they’re propping up the whole league, but we can, and I am proud of that.

Gaby: If you keep losing badly every week, will you still stay on as the manager of Lambeth Palace?

Welby: Libby, I am a fighter, not a quitter. I am committed to this club going forward. We are on a journey at this club! I have the support of the Chairman and the Board. The Chairman picks the Board. We believe in winning ways. We just need to score more goals, concede less goals, and then we’ll start to win games. People who know me know that I’m a winner, and that’s why I am staying on as manager. The fans just need to be patient, and get behind us.

Gaby: Justin Welby, thank you very much. Back to you in the studio, Gary.