by Vivienne Tuffnell
The news that there’s a move afoot to remove the term spiritual abuse from the categories of abuse in the church has left me dismayed. It shows the total lack of awareness of both what spiritual abuse IS and its long term effects on a person. Currently listed as a form of emotional and psychological abuse (which is fair), it’s my belief that spiritual abuse is a gateway for other forms of abuse that include sexual and physical abuse. Just as sexuality is considered an integral part of a human being’s make up, so too is spirituality, even in those who would consider themselves non-religious.
I have been a victim of a variety of abuse but I believe that the spiritual abuse may well have been instrumental in laying me open to the others. I grew up in a non-religious home where church-going was not a thing; previously both my parents had practised a Christian faith but by the time of my first memories, this had fallen by the wayside. As a small child I was fascinated by the numinous and aged 6 I made a shrine in my bedside cabinet using the nativity from an old Christmas card as an icon, surrounding it with whatever beautiful things I could find. I performed rituals for pet funerals, incorporating the concept of holy water. At the start of secondary school we were all given a Gideon bible, the New International translation rather than the much less accessible King James bible. I immediately began reading it daily, and began attending a local free church where I made a profession of faith aged 12. Ironically, it was my mother’s distrust of this church (she thought I was joining a cult!) that sent me to the local Anglican church, which is where steadily I became laid open for abuse. I’ve always been an oddball: unusual, intellectual and often felt alienated from my peer group at school. A few years ago, in my early fifties, I was diagnosed as autistic. Anecdotally, autistic people are often perceived as different, and are marginalised and often persecuted; I desperately wanted to be included in something beyond my immediate family and to have friends. In my later teens a youth fellowship group began, led by a pair of young couples. I have some fond memories of this group and some uneasy ones. We went away as a group for a week at Easter when I was 17, where the first identifiable instance of spiritual abuse took place. As an introvert I realise now I had become uncomfortable with the communal living and had become withdrawn and angry, needing my own space desperately, to recalibrate. One of the leaders took me aside to the retreat leader, an Anglican clergyman of the charismatic persuasion, who prayed over me, laid hands on me, to dispel or cast out the perceived “oppression” by spirits. This event played on my mind ever after.
Fast forward a year to my first term at university when the Anglican Chaplaincy ran a weekend retreat to Kinmel Hall in North Wales. These retreats were intense hot-houses of all sorts of experiences, and the rising tide of signs-and-wonders experiences, with charismatic worship, had been bursting out in the student chaplaincy for some time before this weekend. During the course of it, I again experienced the discomfort of communal living and that was made worse by noise at night stopping me sleeping. By the Sunday morning, I was angry and withdrawn and wanted to get out. I absented myself from the Communion service and went and hid on my bunk. I was crying and distressed. Someone from my fellowship group had spotted me crying, and had fetched the student leader of that group, and another former student who was an Anglican ordinand. These two people then proceeded to perform an exorcism on me, refusing to allow me to leave and forcing me to submit. At the time, I believed in such things and was terrified, of them and of what they implied was afflicting me. Afterwards they told me I must tell no-one, and left me to mop up. They offered me no support or guidance or any sort of debriefing of what had happened. I internalised the experience, ending up believing I was weak, a vessel for evil, and at risk of further possession.
The rest of my first year at university went downhill rapidly, with nightmares and anxiety leaving me exhausted and scared, and desperate for support that was not forthcoming. I had already been struggling with eating, but I stopped eating, became anorexic and eventually my body completely rebelled. After a tumultuous year I came down with mumps and viral meningitis a week or so before my exams and was very poorly indeed. At least one other person from my fellowship group experienced something very similar at the hands of the same student leader and had a total breakdown and left university completely. I have often wondered what happened to her. By the end of the summer holidays (which I spent in my digs) I was so mentally unwell I made a suicide attempt. It was a turning point. I didn’t get any help but somehow, a corner had been turned. I had realised I had been losing myself. The belief that I am somehow evil, weak, stupid and so on, still resurfaces, especially when I am tired and unwell. Knowing myself now, I can see that at no point was there anything spiritually wrong with me; yet everyone was constantly talking about evil spirits infiltrating society, oppressing people or worse. The idea of spiritual warfare was a topic for almost every conversation and bible study. I discovered in my mid forties that I have a connective tissue disorder; along with being very bendy, suffering pain and dislocations, it comes with anxiety and depression (with this condition you are 20x more likely to suffer from anxiety and panic disorders). In those days, among the people I moved with, depression and anxiety were seen as lack of faith or worse, a sign that you are being targeted by demonic forces.
In the years since then, I have found it impossible to be a true part of a faith community. Even the Quakers, who I consider to be my closest match for a spiritual home, I cannot commit to fully. My husband is a vicar; when I attend church (which I do sometimes) I have to sit near an exit. I can only tolerate services with either no music or very traditional music; chorus or modern worship music sets my hackles off. Both my trips to Taizé in France were marred by the unease the chants engendered in me. I will not now attend any smaller groups, and have startled people who have offered to pray with me by refusing vociferously. Certain words, phrases and attitudes make me recoil. A tiny, barely-surfaced vocation to priesthood has been strangled and buried almost before birth. I exist on the margins of faith, passionately interested and equally passionately repelled. As I get older, cPTSD affects me more and more, with multiple triggers and factors.
A secular response to the abuse I experienced (this is just a sample of some of it) would be to tell me to just leave it all alone, have nothing further to do with churches or faith groups. Yet this is something I cannot do. Spirituality is a thread running through me from earliest childhood; to cut and remove that thread is to cut the warp on which my being is strung. Just as sexuality is at the core of a person, so too is spirituality. Like other abuse spiritual abuse is about power and control, often masquerading as concern for the well-being and soul of another person. It was watching the documentary on Bishop Ball that made me realise that what had happened to me was abusive; I had internalised much of it, unconsciously seeing it as being my own fault. I spoke at length to the safeguarding officer but at this point, too much time has elapsed. Continuing further would potentially destroy my mental health, such as it is. Many of us are left in this position of knowing there can be no justice, no reparations, no changes.
Such things still go on. There is a resurgence of those patterns of behaviour and beliefs. Though it’s sometimes couched in slightly different language, it’s the same animal. The prevalence of it is still unknown, but if an outsider like me recognises it’s going on, then it’s on the brink of becoming a scandalous problem. It’s my feeling that unless the issue of spiritual abuse is taken seriously, there can be no progress in terms of growth. Nor should a church that has hidden, dismissed, concealed, condoned and even encouraged so many forms of abuse have any right to growth. The fact that it is considering withdrawing the term spiritual abuse is a red flag, because it strongly suggests that it does not consider it a real thing at all.
In my account I have deliberately avoided using emotive language or dramatic prose in describing what happened to me, but nonetheless I must assure readers of the horror of what I experienced and its lasting effects on me. I hope that it helps someone, somewhere, understand better the consequences of such experiences.
I lost complete confidence in the Christian Union I attended when, at one meeting one of the leaders dramatically walked out saying that she was not content to stay within a group that had such weak members and lukewarm commitment to the Christian faith. In the shock of her departure the other two leaders reminded all present that commitment was a serious business and she had a point and that we ought to spend some time asking ourselves whether we were really serious about the whole thing.
At the end of the meeting when everyone had gone I was trying to find my bus pass in the bottom of my bag and had ducked down to try and locate it, when the girl came back in and a conversation took place as to whether she had over-egged the scene. I popped my head up, said, ‘no, it was exactly right’ before leaving, never to return …
These are grim comments, and sadly all too familiar. I’ve had similar experiences, perhaps best not detailed here, over the last fifty years. A lot of it, in my circle at least. stemmed yet again from misunderstanding the very simplistic charismatic teaching about ‘every member ministry’ which made us think that all of us would be automatically gifted to meet any and every situation.
Agreed, the two essential criteria are willingness and availability – but you are moving here into areas requiring very specialist knowledge, very clear leading and, as I now see, potentially expert training. Counselling, if you don’t know what you’re doing can do a lot of harm – and the same applies to the sort of amateur exorcisms which Vivienne describes. Putting it bluntly, the people involved clearly had not the slightest idea of what they were doing, did vastly more harm than good and, worryingly went on to do even more damage to other people. “Oh, trust me, I have a word of knowledge – I learned all about it in a popular, cheap Christian paperback” is simply not adequate enough.
As I think James will remember discussing with me a few months back, exorcism is a very risky business, and willing amateurs are best keeping VERY well away from it. As for mental illness and emotional problems – far too many enthusiastic ‘healing ministry’ amateurs had – still have – very little real understanding of what they involved. ‘Pull yourself up by your bootlaces’ self-help theology can make things worse.
I’m congenitally depressive (drat puberty – the damned nuisance which started it off) and, like Vivienne and others, very slightly autistic – for that and other reasons I too have always been an ‘odd bod’ and mildly eccentric. As a means of protecting myself against those issues, I found I had to develop a very rational world view, and attempt to keep an unsuccessfully tight rein on my emotions and reactions – that marked me down as ‘different’ in charismatic churches, and I’ve therefore experienced similar issues during ‘counselling.’
There are certain types of charismatic experience I can’t stand – I’m more aware of God and at home with him in the countryside than big noisy rallies. (Having nervous problems doesn’t help there, either). BUT, and this is the big ‘but’. I still actively believe in a living daily experience of the Trinity – and yes, within the calling and opportunities God gives me, minister in the gifts.
As I’ve shared here before, it is nothing like the superstar ‘experiences’ that some folks major on – but is uniquely personal, and very real. I will keep saying that until Mary calls the cattle home across the sands of Dee. Don’t abandon the reality because you’re sickened by the sham of the travelling circus acts. What I’m defending is vastly different from the pot boiling excesses described here.
OK – I’ve been an active Christian for 53 years, most of which have been involved with charismata. But something very profound has happened within my life in the last few years which is more real than ever before. I just can’t define it in words. As Mr Churchill said, “KBO. Never, never, NEVER give up’ on the spirit of God. He promises to give us good gifts, for the life of his church and our healing – the snakes, stones and scorpions come from elsewhere. So hang on in there – we need it.
God bless
Yes, lots of charismatic-evangelical sites are big on “leadership”. But life teaches how fast-track leadership stuff is often bogus, sham or laced with problems. The senior psychologist or psychiatrist, decades into practice, often tells you about the impenetrable mysteries of the game. Likewise, the business guru or senior barrister-KC. People who claim to know everything about multiple subjects are usually not polymaths-they are far more likely to just be arrogant fools. The great skill with a lot of charismatic-evangelical Anglican groups is covering dog’s abuse inflicted on innocent people, and protecting abusers. Can law-medicine-theology qualifications (or knowledge and experience) can get in the way, when a violent Church bully simply wants to quickly cover up crime or harm? The ‘exorcism case’ in Sheffield is an eye-opener. So, too, the John Smyth QC inquiry delays…..
Thanks for this testimony Vivienne. Like many others here I identify with multiple aspects of what you say. It needs saying.
The church seems to have a free pass on carrying on with practices which would have been outlawed long ago in a secular setting, yet many of us still want to retain our spiritual core.
Sadly so – as so horribly highlighted recently by the CEEC and certain big name churches down in London. The problem is that, so long as we do have that exemption to protect the abusers of varying sorts, the church will make very sure it is exploited to the uttermost degree.
I’m not surprised they want ‘spiritual abuse’ removing from the categories, but may wrong guess who wants it removed. For one thing, nice, tidy legal minds will have problems defining it and those who practice it will say, hands on hearts that they don’t see it that way – its part of their ‘ministry’, rather like the massage ‘healer’ whose ignorant blunders have just led to his being convicted of manslaughter.
But, as ever, please keep the faith in the authentic experience of God. He’s still at work, and lurking behind the razzle dazzle is the real, personal encounter for those who seek his truth, rather than simply chasing experiences.
I found this an incredibly moving piece; thank you for being brave and sharing your story.
there were a couple of times, while I read your piece, that I could feel my own anger at the church grow, partly because it reflects in some aspects my experience. You needed serious emotional and psychological support and the Christians around you gave you none of that, instead trying to make it about some badly defined idea of the spiritual.
I feel that, on the whole, the church tends to minimise the experience of spiritual abuse, and offers very little in the way of support to its victims.
An infrequent Wed AM communion service-no hymn or sermon-first last in and first out-is my response to being savagely ill-treated, and branded “a trouble maker” for daring to complain about evangelical BS which harmed people.
And-“There’s a lot of it about!”- Intellectuals, introverts, thinkers and autistic spectrum people, plus a host of others, can be sidelined or castigated unfairly: anyone at all actually who is sensitive and perhaps a little gullible.
Spiritual abuse is all too real. Yet when you first engage with cultish charismatic-evangelicalism it’s so easy to be sucked in. The alarm bell is ‘authoritarianism’, and how I wish now that I had listened to conscience and common sense.
In retrospect I wonder if a lot of spurious charismatic-evangelical ‘Church growth’ involves grooming people. Draw them in, try to fix up a crowd, get people to empty their pockets etc… Countless people feel bullied, harassed, exploited and just leave.
I firmly believe in divine healing, but now lament some of what I saw in charismatic circles. The Gospel miracles have a dynamic drama. There are cases of severe illness, clearly seen to be spontaneously healed.
I saw a midweek meeting where a volunteer was sought. Someone with a minor runny (or itchy) eye (for just a day or two I think) stepped up. An immediate healing was claimed after prayer. I asked the ‘healer’ afterwards if this was a NT type miracle.
I put it to ‘the healer’ how Our Lord did not go about healing trivial or self-limiting minor ailments. This went down like a lead balloon. “Troublemaker querying God’s work” was the thrust of the healer’s response. You cannot win!There’s a time to leave wacky groups.
I was very moved by Vivienne Tuffnell’s account. I am a victim of Spiritual Abuse that drove me into Depression for two years. It was only when I came to terms with the severity of what I had experienced that I felt myself to be on the road to recovery.
I live in a German city with only one Anglican parish. All three priests there know of my acute mental distress (caused by a letter from one of them) but not one of them has lifted a finger to offer me any kind of spiritual support. In effect I have been excommunicated for daring to object to a very hurtful letter filled with totally false accusations and threats.
My clinical depression was characterized as “self pity” by a priest who is also a mental health professional!
This takes me to Manchester Airport where after an altercation in which a policewoman was injured, a policeman was filmed kicking a prone suspect in the head. The Mayor of Manchester said the situation was “complicated”. Well no it wasn’t. Police officers are trained professionals who should never ever kick a defenceless suspect in the head whatever the provocation. Priests are trained professionals too and there is absolutely no excuse for spiritually kicking a loyal parishioner in the head whatever the perceived provocation.
Priests pray several times a day. Why does that end up with some priests who have so little love in their hearts?
Thank you for this account Vivienne which I am sure many have identified with.
I assume your connective tissue disorder is EDS which I also have with the accompanying heart problems, prolapses and subluxations. I have, perhaps like you, often participated in research, education, and the fight for better treatment of this little understood illness. It has been a long hard battle but I think we are finally winning in some small way.
The parallel between that and the recognition of the life long harm of spiritual abuse, which I am also a survivor of, is very close for me. The harm caused by both is often little understood by the medical profession. Spiritual abuse is very real but psychiatrists seem unable to untie it from psychological abuse and perceive its unique quality.
EDS is becoming better recognised, have faith that spiritual abuse will also be with voices such as yours.
All good wishes to you.
Trish, Are psychology and psychiatry staff are now very alive to the cruelty of Church and clerical abuse? It was a senior practitioner who actually first tipped me off. They described a massive concealed Anglican abuse scandal involving various ill-treatments of children decades ago. They emphasised how victims (in their 60’s) had suffered decades of pain from their trauma almost 50 years ago. I disbelieved the story relayed. But several years later the full story has been spectacularly confirmed in exact detail. The Wikipedia article on ‘John Smyth (barrister)’ should be mandatory reading for Anglicans. ‘Spiritual abuse’ is absolutely real. But do many Anglicans have zero idea about how extensive a problem it is? That Wikipedia article is possibly a good one to share.
‘Bleeding for Jesus,’ by Andrew Graystone, describes the Smyth scandal in much more detail than the Wiki article. It’s a very well-researched book. However, the victims weren’t all children – many were in their late teens and early twenties. Smyth and Peter Ball, at opposite ends of the churchmanship spectrum, played on their victims’ real desire to follow Christ and be close to God, to inflict extreme cruelty. Pure, twisted evil. Many victims have never recovered.
‘Bleeding for Jesus’ is a great book. But ‘John Smyth (barrister)’ Wikipedia site is concise. Is ‘VA and Child Safeguarding’ sometimes a scam? The ‘V’ group concept is restrictive. Everybody is ‘vulnerable’ to abuse, and absolutely no reasonable person wants children to be abused or damaged. But is a ‘child’ defined as ‘under 16’ or ‘pre-pubescent’? What if a sadomasochist tutor offers a mature 16 year old Church trainee a caning? Not a ‘VA’ and not a child, so it’s fine with the diocese???
I presume by ‘VA’ you mean ‘Vulnerable Adult’?
I think under UK law (or possibly English law – I don’t know if it differs in the other UK countries) a child is defined as under 18. However, the age of consent for consensual sexual activity is 16.
I’m not familiar with the intricacies of the law as regards beatings, but some of Smyth’s activities were classed as illegal at the time (1982). And a few years ago a Muslim man was convicted of teaching boys self-flagellation.
Is the-‘VA and children’-Anglican safeguarding pantomime a farce in many regards? Statutory tick box exercises abound I suspect, and as for reporting serious allegations of abuse relating to young children or VA’s to the police:well why would anyone not know to do this anyway?
What about interns or young adults hurt by Mike Pilavachi and Jonathan Fletcher? Uncovered possibly-at least as ‘safeguarding’ now stands-and certainly as it used to apply?
Capacity and consent around sex gets complicated, and it’s not just an age 16 line in the sand thing. The law may also have an interest in the age difference between younger people having sex. A 17 and a 15 year old is possibly very different from a 35 year old with a 15 year old.
I think the ‘VA and children’ approach is a sham. We should simply have proper protection for all. Ministry trainees and junior clergy can be very vulnerable to various forms of ill-treatment. Everyday adults get bullied by a vicar and simply cut ties to the institutional Church.
Dioceses maybe love ‘tick box’ exercises on subjects which are already well covered by the law and courts. There is zero naivety now about sexual abuse of children or vulnerable people.
Church ‘nets’ to catch bullies need a far narrower ‘mesh size’ and to address the everyday bullying which wrecks so much of Church life. Bureaucracy can seem like a sweet answer to dioceses. But with Harold Shipman it was local non-professional noses that detected the mass murder spree-was it an undertaker with their eyes open?
In considering whether spiritual abuse should be excluded, we must take into account the fact that in certain situations that apply in churches, abuse of a spiritual nature is already a criminal offence.
Read clauses 77-86 of “Home Office Domestic Abuse Statutory Guidance.”
“Abuse relating to faith” includes…
“77. Whilst an individual’s faith can be a source of support and comfort to victims, domestic abuse can occur in relation to it, and through using, manipulating, or exploiting it. This abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on victims, and might include, but is not limited to, the following examples:
• Manipulation and exploitation through the influence of religion;
• Requirements for secrecy and silence;
• Marital rape and the use of religious scripture to justify that;
• Coercion to conform or control through the use of sacred or religious
texts/teaching e.g. theological justifications for sexual coercion or abuse;
• Causing harm, isolation and/or neglect to get rid of an ‘evil force’ or ‘spirit’
that is believed to have possessed the victim; and
• Requirement of obedience to the perpetrator of domestic abuse, owing to
religion or faith, or their ‘divine’ position.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/62c6df068fa8f54e855dfe31/Domestic_Abuse_Act_2021_Statutory_Guidance.pdf