By
Stephen H.
For 3 years I have been subject to the painful experience of being bullied with attempts to drive me away from my parish church. Here I have served for 27 years, 6 of them as Churchwarden. My role within the church and the PCC has been deliberately eroded by a bullying culture in the PCC. This was led by an interim minister and his actions infringed my human rights. As a result of this treatment, I took out a CDM against the interim minister. The local bishop who reviewed the complaint, described some of his actions as shocking. It had also prompted the comment ‘painful reading’ from the President of Tribunals. In spite of this, my complaint did not meet the requirements of the Measure and the minister was moved and promoted! Thus, though breaking the priest’s code of conduct several times, the minister was rewarded. Meanwhile the bishop agreed in a letter that the situation in the parish needed to be addressed and she offered mediation. This I agreed to. The situation came to a head 2 weeks ago when I attended a meeting at the bishop’s home.
I met the local retired Archdeacon outside the bishop’s home before going in to meet her. This former archdeacon had acted as my support person throughout the CDM process which I had brought against the interim minister. He asked me why I thought the diocese safeguarding adviser (DSA) was included in the meeting. I told him I hoped it was because they were at last recognising the issue of spiritual abuse in this case. Three months had elapsed since the first meeting, and I understood this was to be a follow up. The support archdeacon had written to the bishop on my behalf on the 16th August requesting that she move forward on her offer of mediation because the bullying and discrimination was continuing.
We went into the meeting, but God was not in the room. Instead of an opening prayer, the bishop started to attack me in a premeditated way. She opened by saying that her PA had informed me, by email, that the mediation was not proceeding. Neither I nor my archdeacon supporter had received this email so the change of mood in the meeting was unexpected. The bishop’s diatribe against me was connected to a complaint I had made to the Charity Commission about failures of administration over the church building. Whistleblowing is a legal activity and protected under the 1998 Public Disclosure Act. I could not convey this at the time because the attack was too relentless as well as unexpected. I was also accused by the bishop of wanting to damage the church when in fact I had been trying to make the church ‘fit for mission’, addressing such issues as disability access. This is the slogan for the whole diocese as it faces the future.
The bishop went on to taunt me about the failure of the CDM which I had submitted about the interim minister. I believe that this minister had contravened the code of practice for clergy and that his actions towards me were discriminatory and against my human rights. He had also enlisted the support of the present Archdeacon in his bullying actions towards me. This has had a devastating effect on my mental and physical health. I responded that my first CDM was a hard copy and had not been actioned because it had gone missing(?). The bishop then claimed I had submitted a CDM against her Archdeacon which was untrue. I wanted to tell the bishop how I experienced the behaviour of the minister and others in the church as spiritual abuse, but she scoffed at that idea.
At this point the bishop invited comment from the DSA. He claimed that he had a raft of safeguarding concerns about me. I could not gather what these concerns were about, but somehow mentioning them may have been thought to be another way of silencing me by making veiled accusations. The way these allegations were brought up, seemed to have no connection with proper procedure. I am confident that I have never contravened any safeguarding protocols. I told them I would meet any allegation head on because I had served the parish for 27 years with integrity. The bishop then told me that I should stop going to my parish church. I replied this was not going to happen, God wanted me there and I wanted to serve God there. The DSA then suggested they would pursue some kind of restraining order. I felt very threatened by this suggestion even though it did not seem to be a threat they were entitled to make. At this point I was feeling very distressed and told them that I was going to leave. I stood up, but was derided by DSA who said, “Is this how a Churchwarden behaves?” I said “I am not a CW.” The bishop then brought up the matter of my placing a portable image of the Virgin Mary on the altar of the lady chapel at the request of the Non Stipendiary Minister. I wondered whether mentioning this episode was suggesting undertones of sectarianism. The bishop then said that I was responsible for the last three members of the clergy leaving, as though I was some kind of 5th columnist. She said she had reservations about licensing a new priest for the parish because of me. I said that if she believed all she said was true, she should hold an independent inquiry. I would welcome that. I had by now deduced that this meeting was a set up and not, what I was led to believe, a way forward. I told them it was an ambush. I did not feel comfortable and left the meeting and her house. The DSA ran out and caught me entering my car shouting ‘Stephen’ twice. I told him I would not be driven out of my parish church, and I drove off in a confused and distressed state.
When I had first contacted my diocese in April 2021 about the bullying I was subjected to, including nasty WhatsApp messages, they had no policy on bullying and harassment. On the 29th July this year the diocese published its first policy on Bullying and Harassment. There was also a procedure for making a complaint about safeguarding among several policies which had been absent. What I had been subjected to was behaviour which contravened both policies. I believe it is my persistence which has woken the diocese up to missing policies especially that complaints against clergy can be made through a process other than CDM route. I had never been advised about it. It states on it that method of complaint will always be presented as a first option by the diocese, but it never was with me and it was not visible on their website.
So, after all this time I am still subject to bullying and spiritual abuse.
Ed’s comment Today (Wednesday) we have received the vast report of PCR2 which contains up to date information about bullying and abuse in Church of England going back 70 years. No doubt the material provided by the Report will feed into my comments on the issue over the coming months. Meanwhile, I include here a first-hand account of the experience of one individual of church power abuse. I am aware that hearing only one side of a story about abuse raises potential problems of partiality. While obviously we do not have all the details of the background to this narrative, there is a part of the story which gives us reason to believe that the whole of Stephen H’s account is plausible and credible. A bishop in the CofE might well suggest a mediation between the two parties following an unsuccessful CDM and use his/her authority to bring this about. The fact that the expected mediation process was suddenly, apparently, abandoned by the bishop is an unexpected twist to the story. The bullied one became further bullied by a double attack from the Safeguarding Adviser and the bishop herself. Whatever animosity the bishop may have felt towards Stephen H, this intimidating behaviour, as reported by Stephen, is unbecoming of any church leader.
When they fight, and if you challenge them they will fight, they fight dirty.
Generally the extent of their grubbiness is proportional to the level of malfeasance you are uncovering and attempting to address. Godliness and principle go out of the window if you breach their ivory towers.
The counter threats are particularly malicious and painful for you. It will be of slim comfort I know, but in standing up against such viciousness, you will ultimately be doing Christ’s Body a great service.
You won’t need any reminder that any “victory” in these disputes tends to be pyrrhic.
Quite right Steve. Stephen you have my deepest sympathy. Another reason this is plausible is because the DSA should act on any safeguarding concerns and has not. What kind of DSA fails to act on safeguarding concerns yet backs up their Bishop using alleged misconduct as a weapon? One like ours I’m afraid. However I just wish to warn you that if you stand firm, you may become a target for malicious accusations. When my Diocese wished to shut my husband up, they made a malicious police charge and after court proceedings my husband was declared not guilty. You can be viciously attacked and go through a great deal of stress and strain. We began by thinking that our Bishop would be shocked by misconduct but found he preferred to protect clergy. Then we thought our substantial evidence would prove we were right. Not necessarily so in the Church of England and I was charged with offences. They were dropped eventually because there was no evidence to suggest I had ever acted in a manner which could possibly bring suspicion on myself. But that is what you are up against. I still feel terrified every time I blog that The police will oblige The Diocese again and question me aggressively under caution citing “charges” which they know not to be criminal offences. The stronger your evidence the more they turn against you and the dirtier their tricks. Uncovering safeguarding concerns and fulfilling his responsibility as a Trustee is what led to my husband being accused of criminal behaviour by the Diocese. I am afraid you are not the only person, lay or clergy saying dirty tricks and false accusations are made against you. The worst is that church processes are manipulated when senior leaders want to discredit someone but have no means of discrediting them using due process. In a sense my husband and I were fortunate because in the end, the Diocese were unable to manipulate court proceedings. They are more than capable of manipulating their own proceedings leaving you discredited and unable to do anything about it. We realised part way through the process that there were serious safeguarding concerns in our new parish which our complaints were uncovering and which the Diocese did not want to come to light. If there has been a series of problems in your parish you may well become a scapegoat, as did we. I wish you well and will pray for you. Do keep us posted.
My wife and infant child and I were called in by my Bishop to discuss housing. He then launched into a vicious diatribe totally ignoring the housing issue. It was so bad that my child began to cry and I asked my wife to leave. The Bishop then actually prayed over me!!! I left in disgust and never contacted him for the rest of my ministry. Even when I retired I did not see him. I have only met one truly Christian Bishop in the dozen or so I have dealt with
That sounds a very distressing episode; I’m sorry it happened to you.
The C of E has real issues with power and the way it’s exercised.
We should be aware that there are a few commenting on these pages with the intent of discrediting or otherwise harming those survivors who write here. Sometimes their clumsy attempts are pretty obvious, sometimes not. Occasionally they act in twos and threes attempting pincer movements to trap and expose those who wish to remain anonymous. There are also those I would term “trolls”. Best not to engage. Generally these just swamp and overwhelm.
That’s a really painful experience and I’m very sorry to hear of it. Stephen H has my deepest sympathy. It’s truly sad that church leaders act in these way, and unfortunately I do find the account believable based on my own experience and stories and anecdotes I’ve heard from friends and family in churches they’ve been involved in.
Stephen, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I pray right now for your peace and safety and for any hard hearts to be softened and humbled.
Incidentally, just today I found your page because I did a Google search for “my safety didn’t matter institutional betrayal.” Yours was not listed at the top, but was the first page that seemed applicable. So here I am.
Needless to say I have experienced institutional betrayal. A year ago I left my emotionally abusive marriage (‘abuse’ seems too light a word. ‘Emotionally and psychologically annihilating’ would more realistically describe my home life). 2.5 years prior to leaving, I sought out marriage counseling. The counselor knew of the destructive patterns my husband exhibited and still absolved my husband’s abusive and controlling patterns, and unjustly placed all the weight of marital success or failure on my shoulders. 15 months prior to leaving my husband, I asked my church for help. They recommended counselors. I attended counseling. In the meantime, my home life became increasingly more dangerous. If I gave any hints that I was attempting to name abuse and get help, my life would be in danger. So I kept everything the same, including attending this same church. After leaving (a planned fleeing with my children to our new home), I went to my church for help in establishing safety. They harbored my abuser, silenced me, and made no efforts to find out more information. The police did nothing to protect me until six months of stalking behavior had occurred. My lawyer did not communicate well with me, leaving me scrambling at the last minute to complete legal documents to the most professional level possible. Oftentimes I had to decide between parenting my children well and doing the next legal step well.
A year later, I still have grounds to consistently fear my still-abusive ex-husband, and I am exhausted from single parenting while doing the jobs of the police and my lawyer. I am constantly grieved that my former church home continues to silence those who dare speak out against domestic abuse. Were it not for the unrelenting love and peace of God Himself, along with the consistent involvement of pastors of my new church, I would have walked away from the church as an institution forever. And many people do.
You are in a battle, friend. A battle of truth and lies, good and evil. Institutional abuse is what the Pharisees hid behind. It’s what Jezebel and Ahab were protected by. God sees you. He takes you seriously. He is grieved. I pray for you.
I have gotten much comfort and clarity from Dan Allender’s book “Bold Love.” In this book are names to the strong emotions inside me, along with much Scripture to help me understand my own fierce heart that deeply desires to slay these evil strongholds of domestic and institutional betrayals.
But thanks to you, what I’ve endured has a name, which brings clarity and the beginnings of healing. Many thanks to you for your boldness.
It’s good to “meet” someone new. Except, you always hope things are improving. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you can find some support here, as well as a new church. Your children will thank you for your heroism. Have a virtual hug! O
I’m glad you’ve found us. Welcome!
Welcome to Stephen H and Anonymous, and thank you for sharing something of your stories. That takes energy as well as honesty, and I hope you have found it therapeutic. This is, generally, a supportive community for survivors and victims and it’s good to have you here.
I’ve looked at the Diocesan bulletin summary of the past cases review. I think they’ve all come out in recent days. It’s not the whole thing of course, but it seems to be all about child sex abuse, and supporting now grown up victims. I’ve no way of knowing if they do it well. But there’s little understanding of bullying, I’ve found, and the church doesn’t look at bullying victims twenty years hence. It should!
The review was of the Church’s own files, in each diocese, so these are not really new cases. They are cases the Church has mishandled over the years and some are quite recent.
One thing I noticed is that my own diocese, York, has only just put in place a bullying and harassment policy! In 2022! (I knew there wasn’t one up until 2013, when I retired, but hoped they’d made some progress.) And the policy now in place isn’t trauma informed.
Then, they chose to release the PCR2 report on the day Liz Truss made her first Tory Party conference speech as new prime minister. Very cynical. They just keep digging the hole they’re in deeper, because they won’t listen to survivors.
Thank you. You are so right. I am replying on my wife’s account my account has been suddenly hacked.
Thank you to all who have written in support. We struggle on our knees but one day we will stand up.