Experiencing the physical changes that come with getting older, is one of the consequences of being spared to live a longish life. The point at which one considers oneself old will vary from individual to individual, but it seems that few people (men at any rate) reach 80 without some old-age ailment afflicting them. I have reached 79 without any real symptoms of aging, but now that is no longer true. My doctor has noted the physical signs of possible Parkinson’s disease, and I am to be placed in a queue to be scanned and examined by a neurological specialist. I am told that the drugs for PD potentially are effective, and it could be years before the problem becomes disabling. I have become an avid reader of information online about the complaint. One piece of self-help offered is the advice to keep physically fit. Nothing about the signs so far experienced has discouraged me from taking my regular (almost daily) circular 2 ½ mile walk. There are also two other pieces of advice, that I shall not spell out, which can be undertaken by a PD sufferer without in any way going against the medical model. The existence of these truly complementary methods which can be attempted gives me, the patient, signs of hope that the disease process is not totally beyond my control. The worse part of illness would be the feeling that the only way forward is to ‘give-in’. I am a long way from feeling that kind of fatalism. While I wait for a diagnosis, I am truly grateful to be free, so far, of two typical symptoms, the shaking and the brain fog. Also, there is a notable absence of any pain.
My productivity with the blog has suffered over the past months as energy levels have sagged as the result of, as I now recognise, the gradual progress of a physical problem. My typical method of producing material for the blog was to cogitate in the early hours on some issue until the material in my head had resolved itself into some kind of coherent shape. This does not seem to be happening so regularly, and this may be a way of my subconscious telling me that I have less to say than before. But there is another tug on my attention that says I should not throw in the towel just yet. A by-product of the blog is my attempt to respond (by email and phone) to the needs of individuals who contact me having suffered at the hands of the church and its leaders. Sometimes, with my encouragement, these stories become part of the blog itself. Mostly I listen to what is said, and the individual is grateful for having been heard. Having no access to those in authority, I do not offer to speak to others on behalf of survivors/victims. But the very fact that I may have helped someone by listening is a positive act and a possible contribution to making the church a better place.
What I think I am asking of my readers is to have patience if my contributions are less regular. I am in the situation that, with 900 blogs over eleven years under my belt, I have probably said most of what I want to say anyway. Nevertheless, I still have my commentary work. By this I mean my attempts to react/respond to notable stories in the secular or church press connected to the issue of power in the church. I may only be drawing out obvious lessons from these stories, but I believe my loyal readers still want to know what the elderly clergyman in remote Cumbria has to say by way of comment over some topical story which touches on church power and safeguarding.
Looking to the future I expect to have some reaction to the publication of the Makin report in November. Those who identify with survivors have accompanied them in the agony they have suffered over the years as we have waited for this report. It does help, I believe, if supporters articulate and reflect some of the pain felt by the survivors who have waited so long for justice and accountability. The grotesque inability of anyone in authority to accept any accountability or responsibility for the Smyth story is a monstrous carbuncle eating into the Church of England. So many people in the church’s hierarchy have been compromised in some way by this story, but there has not been a single substantive heart-felt apology, let alone a resignation. Living through what are for the church, seismic events, especially for those in the ‘Iwerne’ and HTB circuits, has been deeply disturbing. One longs to see a responsible historian getting to grips and making sense of the appalling narrative of power abuse and corruption over the past ten or more years. Failure of accountability or evidence of remorse have deeply wounded the fabric of the Church. Who knows whether the Church will even survive such terrible wounds that have been inflicted?
Surviving Church will be continuing as long as life, strength and inspiration remain. There may be a concession to ‘old man’ issues, like longer gaps between my reflections. There may also be meditations on the topic of human frailty as this may come to occupy a greater part of my thinking than before. Blogging has quite accidentally become part of my way of life, so, as long as there is at least one human being prepared to share in my reflections by reading them, then I will continue.
As a child, my living grandparents seemed very old indeed, and beyond about 60, to be positively decrepit. Certainly nothing much was expected of them although I experienced them as kind and generous.
I don’t think it’s just denial to say things have changed a great deal in recent decades. And having achieved this age myself and become a grandparent too, it intrigues me just how much it is possible to keep on doing stuff as we get older.
Physically, however, there is no point pretending that things don’t break more easily and frequently. I am so sorry to hear of your Parkinson’s Stephen. That can be a very tedious condition. That said, the advice to remain physically active and to continue mental activity such as you do, is very valuable.
As well as experience, one thing we become better at appraising as we get older is risk. The young have not much idea of what could go wrong, but we do. Ironically their inexperience in this area is why they are preferred over older hands in the employment market, especially for example in financial services, where risk taking goes in cycles of dramatic profits for a few, and colossal losses for the many, to coin a phrase. They need us even if they don’t particularly want us.
We certainly need and want what you have given us for so long, on this magnificent opus. But of course we fully understand that you can only do what you can do.
The introduction of others’ writing will continue to improve the hybrid vigour of this space, as it has done throughout its life.
One thing I am learning is to spread my own bets, so to speak. Thus, physically I enjoy walking a lot, but have built a gym with a weights machine so I can do upper body, if a foot drops off etc.
Heartfelt thanks for your continuing inspiration. Keep on writing.
Best wishes
Steve
Stephen: your work has been vital over many years, to so many. You were the first to bring these matters into the public domain; thank you so much for the many years of labour, writing so much and publishing your thoughts and those of many others. It has been a labour of love and has led to many reports, enquiries, the commissioning of research leading to action and the whole bringing to conscientiousness of the masses of abusive situations to us. Thank you.
Sorry to read the content above. I think your work has been hugely helpful (or therapeutic) to a great many people from diverse backgrounds. This is a super Blog, and has given a real voice to the voiceless. Education of the laity is the exit route from the Anglican abuse abyss, and the internet is an ace weapon against abusers (or concealers of abuse). National law, Church rules and natural justice can seem dreadfully complicated. But the core fundamentals are easy. Keep up the good work for as long as you can………applies to everyone else-me included!
Thank you Stephen.
One of my lessons on aging has been to accept that there are things I can achieve using my experience, skills application etc. I hold responsibility as a Christian for the use of these talents.
Conversely there are responsibilities which are “above my pay grade”. I can leave such burdens with Jesus.
We must hope pray and facilitate others to step into our shoes. There is no shame in stepping back at the right time. We must remind ourselves that none of us is indispensable. Thinking leaders are irreplaceable has been an abiding problem leading to denial and cover-up in many instances which I need not name.
The sudden loss of the wonderful Dave Lucas of the Ordinary Office and Sheepfold Project is a timely reminder of all our temporary tenures. The important thing is to build our communities together to create a viable inclusive alternative to the less tolerant iterations of Christianity.
Thanks for all your effort. Our age (and often our denomination) has lost its reverence for words. The ‘Collect for Journalists’ (below) reminds us of the power of the written medium: A word of truth outweighs the world….
“Almighty God, strengthen and direct, we pray, the will of all whose work it is to write what many read, and to speak where many listen. May we be bold in confronting evil and injustice, and compassionate in our understanding of human weakness, rejecting alike the half-truth that deceives, and the slanted word that corrupts. May the power that is ours, for good or ill, always be used with honesty and courage, with respect and integrity; so that when all here has been written, said, and done, we may, unashamed, meet Thee face to face, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”
Hoping you might continue some shorter Blog slots here. Confident ‘the quick profit driven ministries’ have a polar opposite: ‘words-precious cups of meaning’-which sew seeds of truth to have an impact for 3-4 or many more generations….
Stephen, I am sorry that you have had this unexpected shock.
However I am glad the diagnosis is not yet complete and that you are free of more severe symptoms. In this time of very early stages there is so much that can be done and medical science is developing all the time.
I am very grateful that you ‘discovered’ our case in time to make such a significant difference to it all. Our discussions have always been helpful, providing much needed encouragement. I have learnt a great deal from you.
In particular I am aware that ‘Surviving Church’ has changed my life in many ways.
The blogs you have posted and their subsequent comments have not only been personally supportive but have widened my outlook on life. I had no idea about the abuse suffered by the survivors and will follow and support their cause for as long as it is needed. You are assured of our patience if your blogs are less regular and look forward to them when they do come.
Thank you for your persistence in writing them for the past eleven years and also to your family for their support in your doing this.
All of it is appreciated by all of us whose lives you have changed.
Thank you Stephen for your wisdom and your blogs. I am sure that, as you mull over things in the early morning, you will discover the best way to share your thoughts, whatever those might be.
I, and many other survivors of church abuse, owe you an enormous debt, Stephen.Thank you. Look after yourself and go gently.
Stephen, an excellent work over the years. Anglican, or other Church members, of whatever age or background, often feel they are victims of a random or fluke lightning strike. I saw a professor-medic-teacher-businessman-cleric get shell-shocked by savage and sadistic psychological ill-treatment. DARVO is a crude but slick tactic, endlessly applied by the Church. It’s a great service to let people know they are not alone. Thanks again…..Galatians 1:4………the rescue from evil is real!
I can only join everyone in their expression of appreciation of your blog over the many years Stephen. Thanks to your dedication survivors are still surviving, so please keep writing when you can and enjoy your long walks.
I’m sorry too to hear your news, Stephen, and wish you well in the future. I’m currently recovering from the after effects of a fainting fall, sufficiently bad to forcibly remind me that I don’t bounce back the way I once did, and must slow down too.
Life, alas, is a streetcar line which only issues single tickets, with no returns. And we all have to come to terms with that, one way or another.
Thank you for this blog, and the benefits of your courage and wisdom. May God bless you, and help you remain useful, ‘fresh and green in old age’ as the psalmist said – and may he help the rest of us in the same way too!
Stephen, thank you for your honesty about what you are going through. I only found your site about 8 years ago but it has been such a blessing to me, helping me understand in simple terms what is going on behind the scenes. You have brought to the fore the issues of high control religious groups and their impact on others lives, thank you. This area needs to be continually looked at. I am suprised the church has not tried to shut the site down. There is no other site like it to my knowledge. Its like Private Eye of the church to me and has kept me going over the years. Your work must be continued as there are very few forums where people can say it as it is which is so therapeutic
I wondered if there was anyone or more than one person who could support you with your invalauble ministry and share the load with you to keep the site going ? Surely there must be others with similar experience who would be willing to help out and keep it going?
Always inspired by the passage-‘your labour in the Lord is not in vain’-a dividend follows and flows, even if it is not visible to us in our own lifetime……….
People are radically rethinking what Church means at present, with an emphasis on people: not power, not money, not property or pension empires……..
Stephen, I want to add my good wishes to those noted above. I remain grateful for the support which you provided to my wife and I at a very difficult time after we had been on the receiving end of CofE power dynamics. As you imply, the ministry of listening which you provide (in stark contrast to a Church which so often refuses to listen) is of immense value. As you face the current difficult period, I want you to know that your ministry is greatly valued by myself and no doubt others, and I wish you well as you undergo these investigations. God bless.
There’s an old adage: “use it or lose it”. Many years ago an elderly relative was convalescing from an operation and it fell to me to exercise his ancient dog. She was a bit clapped out, but relished her daily amble across the park. She also gave me an instant introduction to many other dog walkers out there, who loved her, and missed her owner.
We all understand that dogs need exercise, but often have a distorted view of human “retirement”. We need continuing mental and physical exercise.
My late father was an academic. When he “retired” at the statutory 65, the university made him emeritus. This entitled him to office space in a remote part of the sprawling campus, and in return for the occasional paper, he spent his time answering queries from perplexed students of his authored text books and randomly, he updated his church’s website, and washed it all down with coffee and the occasional snifter of sweet sherry.
Latterly he became a full time carer for my bed bound mother, hauling trays of proper tea service, to her exact specification, upstairs all day. We discovered later he himself was running on fumes. Less than 3 months after her departure, he went home too. He was nearly 90.
The lesson I’ve been trying to learn, is whilst you can’t put off the inevitable, you can survive and thrive by keeping going putting yourself to a use that gives you meaning. With life expectancy increasing, but health deteriorating this is something we need to concentrate on more.
Jesus promised us the gift of ‘life in all its fulness’, we find that fulness and meaning in the purpose which he brings us . As our circumstances change, with retirement, age etc, we have to keep re-inventing ourselves, finding what new things we can do for Christ’s kingdom and the world around us – as grandparents and parents I think we all know that occupied children are also happy children. The same is true at the other end of life’s journey too.
The day that I can no longer find something to do, something to interest me, in this wonderful world God has given us, is the day I’ll know it’s time to turn the lights out – my time will be run. The last few weeks haven’t been easy, and I’ve needed a lot of help from the Lord to cope with, and not be a downright misery to live with – but he has helped me and life isn’t over yet.
As an aside, while in hospital after my fall, the patient in the next bed was dieing of dementia; it was as if God used the situation to give his family a little support as my wife and I were able to befriend them and share even a very small something of God’s love with them. It certainly meant a lot to his daughter and granddaughters.
Like other people (thank you to both the James’s) I’ve found this site a spiritual asset – a fellowship of people who can talk as equals with shared experiences. Stephen’s ministry has been a blessing to a great many of us – be sure that God will care for you, Stephen, in the weeks to come, and, I am certain, will work through you to the benefit of the people you meet .
Something which I believe ‘he’ gave me during another dark time is worth sharing here – I hope it helps you, too. “The road goes ever on; it is a straight, sure road, though it goes through dark and difficult places, for I am with you. So hold my hand, and walk with me.” And that I know to be true.
God bless.
As someone who has come to this blog site recently, I am aware of the huge debt of gratitude we owe you Stephen. You are giving such great and long standing service in ‘speaking the truth to power’. Thanks, love and respect. I hope you find ways to deal with your illness, go easy, and have fun.
A friend of mine with Parkinson’s has found the Cue1 device enormously helpful. Worth a try? There may be a waiting list, so you could put your name down while you are thinking about it. Thank you for your valuable blog.
Thank you Hilary. Device looks promising and I am checking it out.