Experiencing the physical changes that come with getting older, is one of the consequences of being spared to live a longish life.    The point at which one considers oneself old will vary from individual to individual, but it seems that few people (men at any rate) reach 80 without some old-age ailment afflicting them.  I have reached 79 without any real symptoms of aging, but now that is no longer true.  My doctor has noted the physical signs of possible Parkinson’s disease, and I am to be placed in a queue to be scanned and examined by a neurological specialist.  I am told that the drugs for PD potentially are effective, and it could be years before the problem becomes disabling.  I have become an avid reader of information online about the complaint.  One piece of self-help offered is the advice to keep physically fit.  Nothing about the signs so far experienced has discouraged me from taking my regular (almost daily) circular 2 ½ mile walk.  There are also two other pieces of advice, that I shall not spell out, which can be undertaken by a PD sufferer without in any way going against the medical model.  The existence of these truly complementary methods which can be attempted gives me, the patient, signs of hope that the disease process is not totally beyond my control.   The worse part of illness would be the feeling that the only way forward is to ‘give-in’.  I am a long way from feeling that kind of fatalism.  While I wait for a diagnosis, I am truly grateful to be free, so far, of two typical symptoms, the shaking and the brain fog.  Also, there is a notable absence of any pain.

My productivity with the blog has suffered over the past months as energy levels have sagged as the result of, as I now recognise, the gradual progress of a physical problem.   My typical method of producing material for the blog was to cogitate in the early hours on some issue until the material in my head had resolved itself into some kind of coherent shape.  This does not seem to be happening so regularly, and this may be a way of my subconscious telling me that I have less to say than before.  But there is another tug on my attention that says I should not throw in the towel just yet.  A by-product of the blog is my attempt to respond (by email and phone) to the needs of individuals who contact me having suffered at the hands of the church and its leaders.  Sometimes, with my encouragement, these stories become part of the blog itself.  Mostly I listen to what is said, and the individual is grateful for having been heard.  Having no access to those in authority, I do not offer to speak to others on behalf of survivors/victims.  But the very fact that I may have helped someone by listening is a positive act and a possible contribution to making the church a better place. 

What I think I am asking of my readers is to have patience if my contributions are less regular.  I am in the situation that, with 900 blogs over eleven years under my belt, I have probably said most of what I want to say anyway.  Nevertheless, I still have my commentary work.   By this I mean my attempts to react/respond to notable stories in the secular or church press connected to the issue of power in the church.   I may only be drawing out obvious lessons from these stories, but I believe my loyal readers still want to know what the elderly clergyman in remote Cumbria has to say by way of comment over some topical story which touches on church power and safeguarding.

Looking to the future I expect to have some reaction to the publication of the Makin report in November.  Those who identify with survivors have accompanied them in the agony they have suffered over the years as we have waited for this report.  It does help, I believe, if supporters articulate and reflect some of the pain felt by the survivors who have waited so long for justice and accountability.  The grotesque inability of anyone in authority to accept any accountability or responsibility for the Smyth story is a monstrous carbuncle eating into the Church of England.   So many people in the church’s hierarchy have been compromised in some way by this story, but there has not been a single substantive heart-felt apology, let alone a resignation.  Living through what are for the church, seismic events, especially for those in the ‘Iwerne’ and HTB circuits, has been deeply disturbing.  One longs to see a responsible historian getting to grips and making sense of the appalling narrative of power abuse and corruption over the past ten or more years.  Failure of accountability or evidence of remorse have deeply wounded the fabric of the Church.  Who knows whether the Church will even survive such terrible wounds that have been inflicted?

Surviving Church will be continuing as long as life, strength and inspiration remain.  There may be a concession to ‘old man’ issues, like longer gaps between my reflections.  There may also be meditations on the topic of human frailty as this may come to occupy a greater part of my thinking than before.  Blogging has quite accidentally become part of my way of life, so, as long as there is at least one human being prepared to share in my reflections by reading them, then I will continue.