Episode 2 Things are Looking Up

After a very, very poor start to the season, Lambeth Palace have suddenly won three games in a row, albeit by the slimmest of margins.  Gabby Gaby interviews Justin Welby on this unexpected upturn in the team’s performance.

Gaby: Well, that’s your third win on the bounce, and what can I say? Things are finally looking up, maybe? What do you attribute this to?

Welby: Well, obviously we’ve been training hard, taking a long, long look at the lessons learned reviews after each defeat, learning those lessons, and working out what to do on the training ground. The players have worked hard, and we are conceding less and scoring more.

Gaby: Hmm, yes, well, you’ve won each game 1-0, which takes your tally of goals this season to just three. Its true you did not concede in these three games, but critics of your style of play might say that you “parked a bus on the goal line”, and that if you play eleven players behind the ball, it is hard for the opposition to score.

Welby: I’m used to people criticising our style of play, but a win is a win is a win is a win. And we took our chances. So fair play to the lads.

Gaby: Yes, the chances. Three goals, five shots on goal in the three matches, and twenty shots off target this season. And of the three goals, two were penalties, and the other one was an own-goal. So maybe not that great?

Welby: Well surely the point is we took our chances when we had them. Sometimes you have to ride your luck, and we were due a big slice of that after having so many decisions go against us in the previous matches.

Gaby: Justin, some commentators are putting the wins down to team selection, and I wondered if you wanted to say anything about that?

Welby: Well, hats off to Steve for this, and me of too of course. We have kept faith the same players despite the dreadful results, and they have repaid our faith in spades…

Gaby: …hmm, I think the commentators were meaning something else by “team selection” here. I think they meant two things. First, they were referring to the teams you were choosing to play. And second, to the players selected to for those teams playing against you, which some observers think might breach UEFA league rules?  You know, the United Ecumenical Fair Attainment codes of conduct?

Welby: This all sounds a bit technical for me, and I don’t think I really know what you mean here?

Gaby: Well, let me explain. The fixture list appears to be set by the owner of your club, Mr. Nye. He seems to be able to decide who to play, and when. Second, the last three wins have all been against other teams he either owns or has a controlling stake in their operations. Third, he does appear to be picking your team, as well as the actual players for the other team. Some people think this might amount to engineering the result in advance of the fixture, and that it might even constitute match-fixing?

Welby: Look, Gaby. I don’t get involved in team selection. That’s for the owner and chairman to handle, and he hand-picks the players who are the most loyal servants of the club. I can only assume that he does the same with all the other clubs he owns, chairs and controls, but I cannot see how this is match-fixing. I mean, the game goes ahead. Everyone gives a hundred-percent…the players, the coaches and all the backroom staff, especially the hard-pressed PR and legal people. The games are evenly matched, and whilst we all know in advance the result we are looking for on both sides, I honestly can’t see how aiming for that and achieving that is a problem, just because the owner happens to have a stake in both teams doing OK, and the results always going his way.

Gaby: …er, well, some might still say that is match-fixing. I mean, how can the fans know that the result is not rigged, so as to help the chairman, owner and his shareholders…?

Welby: The referee hasn’t raised any concerns that I am aware of…and the chairman just watches the game from the stands.

Gaby: Yes, the suspicion is that he knows what the result is before the game starts. Don’t get me wrong. Nobody is suggesting he’s betting money on the outcome. Let’s just say he’s no longer even marking his own homework here. Instead, he’s deciding the result and who gets three points in advance, and then deciding much later what questions he might have fielded to get that result. Don’t you think that’s a bit odd…?

Welby: Well as I say, team selection for Lambeth Palace FC is the prerogative of the owner and the chairman. I mean, he buys the players, so that’s only fair. I sometimes turn up for matches to find that he’s picked players I did not even know were available for selection. But he’s got such wide knowledge and influence in the sport, he knows better than anyone how to make sure the game pans out with the right result. I can’t see how or why it should be different for the teams we play against too – that he gets so involved in their team selection as well. I mean, these are still two independent football teams, right?

Gaby: Yes, but Mr. Nye owns Lambeth Palace FC, Church House Rovers and Synod Wanderers, with those last two clubs in a ground-sharing agreement at Westminster Stadium. The players from both those sides in a  derby game have to share changing rooms, pre-match briefings and post-match showers.

Welby: It is still a nail-biting derby game, Gaby. Nobody in their right mind could argue it is rigged. We might have a pretty good idea of who is going to win the match before kick-off, but nobody can predict the actual result, which could be 1-0, or 2-0. And there will sill have to be lessons learned, and reviews of the previous games on the training ground.

Gaby: …I mean, seriously…?

Welby: Well, it is often been said that “football is a funny old game and just like life: totally unpredictable”. We are just blessed with an owner and chairman who wants to remove all of the funniness and unpredictability. That’s what the fans want too. They want the win in the bag before kick-off.

Gaby: So you deny allegations of match-fixing?

Welby: Yes. The fact that the chairman owns both sets of players and both clubs cannot be a conflict of interest, because the clubs are different, and are still independent of each other.

Gaby: Justin, Thank you. Back to you in the studio, Gary.