Our traditional end-of-season celebration of survival for the team, staff, directors and owner. All muck in and roll up their sleeves, making a real effort to get on with each other for just a few hours. This can offer one of the best family days’ out in the borough.  The stalls and attractions hardly change, which is part of the charm of this annual festive bash, always held on a sunny afternoon in late-May, just before the team decamps for their usual summer touring.

Included in Your Fete Programme This Year

(Entry Price: One Bitcoin, or a suitable Donation to be agreed with Mr. William Nye, esq. – Owner and Chairman of Lambeth Palace FC, and Chair of the Fete Committee).

The Nyematron – new attraction to this year’s fete, The Nyematron is an electronic whirligig that spins and spins and spins…and yet reverses any decision you have ever made. Thought you’d made a collective decision on the way forward and next steps? The Nyematron spins away and says: “Think Again!!”.

Duck-a-Hook – cross-party sponsorship from Save the Parish, and an anonymous group of rural churchwardens (over 300 of you – well done!). Put on a duck suit and avoid being hooked up to another role or job. Money back if not hooked. This amusement will have you hooked!!

Ferris Wheel of Eternal Deliberation – kindly sponsored by our friends at LLF Enterprises (NB: not recommended for adults). Enter a Pod at your Peril!! You’ll be put into a real-life group chat with people carefully selected to not like you (that much), yet still be quite nice to you (sort of). Please not, this Ferris Wheel does not stop once it starts, and you might still be there next year when the next Lambeth Palace Fete happens. (NB: Not an alternative to creche for children).

Willie the Wizard – our ever-popular Fortune-Teller is back!! Think you know what is going to happen next? Tell Willie, and he’ll put you right! Willie knows exactly how things are going to turn out, because he makes everything happen. Take the pain out of anticipation – or even democratic decisions – and Just Ask Willie!

Beat the Goalie – (NB: not as illustrated!). J. Grenfell, our No. 1 goalie for Lambeth Palace FC, won’t be in goal. The net is empty. You have ten seconds to score five consecutive goals from the spot. Money back if successful. Sponsored by NST Solutions.

White Lies Elephant Stall – kindly sponsored by the CofE Legal Affairs Dept. Get there early for the bargains and the rarities. NB: avoid mass-produced items that claim to come from any ‘independent’ manufacturer. White lies are durable, unbreakable and inexpensive. And mass-produced. Try and find the bargains that are not like this.

Stone-baked Scones, ‘Smyth-Whipped Cream’, a generous scoop of ‘Granny Grenfell’s Homemade Jam Tomorrow’, and a proper brew.

Coconut Shy? Test out your Myers-Briggs profile on this ever-popular game. What kind of coconut are you? Test your character by throwing hard balls at immovable targets.

The Maze of Misperception – kindly sponsored by the Archbishops’ Council. Don’t even try going in if you were thinking of getting out! It is literally impossible to find a pathway that works. You will be guided by people who tell you that you misunderstood what was meant last time you asked for directions or a decision.

Lethargy in Love and Faith Dodgem Cars – kindly sponsored by LLF. No, these cars don’t go anywhere fast. But boy, you can work out your frustration Big Time! Hop in! The journey is all about crashing into each other until you’re utterly exhausted. Enjoy!

Synod Carousel – (also not recommended for adults). Plays “Are We Nearly There Yet?”, and “I Thought We’d Decided, Last Time We Met…?”. Riders must stay on for a minimum of five years. Not recommended for children.

Lucky Dip – kindly sponsored this year by the National Union of Vergers. Prizes Galore from vestry cupboards across the land. Things you thought you’d never see again, mystery items that no longer work, random lost

Tombola – kindly sponsored by the Archbishops’ Council Strategic Development Fund. Huge, huge prizes. Fill in the form and see how many millions you can win for you and your friends!! NB: It is essential that you pre-qualify to play. Mr. Nye, owner and chairman of Lambeth Palace FC, has agreed to help and support potential applicants. If you are deemed to have potential

Jumble Sale – kindly sponsored by the CofE Pensions Board. No need to shop with Amazon or expensive high street retailers once you have retired. You can forget about John Lewis, or even Poundland. This stall is the one-stop-shop for all your needs, annually.

Plant Stall – come early to avoid disappointment!! Magic Money Trees from the Lambeth Palace nurseries still sell well. Some of the exotic plants from Central and South America on sale last year have been withdrawn on advice from the Metropolitan Police. However, we still have some and will accept suitable donations.