Episode Four: Things Can Only Get Better

Problems continue to mount for Lambeth Palace FC. With external audits of alleged financial irregularities underway, and results still very poor, match-fixing scandals and a reclusive Owner-Chairman doubling down on any dissent, the club is an unhappy place. The manager has tried to lift the morale, but every move he makes, it seems, causes more ructions…

Gaby: Well, Justin, thanks for agreeing to be interviewed again. I know you’ve only just come back from the friendly fixture for the England team against the Post-Colonial XI, but that was a pretty embarrassing defeat against a scratch team that hadn’t played together before.

Welby: Yes, well, it pays to never underestimate how far these other nations have progressed in the game, and the days when England could beat anyone in the world are long gone. If you look at the Premiership, its full of players from developing nations that were once colonies of ours. So in a way, this is our legacy, and you could read this as a ‘win’ for England’s investment over the centuries…

Gaby: Well, I’m not sure that the English really did much to support football teams being created on slave plantations, or as a distraction in other countries we colonised through conquest and occupation by military force, albeit badged under the imposition of commerce, civilisation and Christianity.

Welby: I think you’ll find those countries were very pleased that we brought order and rule to them, and got them playing sports like cricket and football…

Gaby: …er, well, it was a 6-0 loss for the England team in any case, and the England fans all threw turnips onto to the pitch at the end to make some kind of symbolic link between your tenure as a manager and Graham Taylor’s time in the hot seat.

Welby: I can’t comment on the fans. They will have their own views. I hope they know that the lads gave a hundred percent in very difficult conditions, and were it not for injuries, VAR decisions and other problems, I reckon we might have nicked a result. But football is a funny old game, and a fickle mistress…

Gaby: I am not sure that last remark is helpful, given the recent problems with Lambeth Palace Women’s FC. Apparently some members of your board, the Owner-Chairman, and a small group of fans, don’t believe in women’s football, and want you to boycott it completely. They’re talking about breaking away from the club, or not paying for season tickets.

Welby: Look, Lambeth Palace FC is an all-age, all-inclusive club. We accept everyone, and that includes those who want to bar others from entry or playing. What we absolutely don’t accept is discrimination of any kind, and we have a zero-tolerance policy on that. That’s why our ‘Kick-Out, Stamp-Out, Shout-Out’ campaign was such a success last year.

Gaby: Yes, but you do have people sitting on the board opposed to women’s football, and who won’t allow them to play here at Lambeth, so they have to train in a local park, and play matches somewhere else…

Welby: Let me stop you there, Gaby. Dorset is not that far away from Lambeth, and the supporters like to make a day of it and travel. The women’s team training in a public park is a good advert for women’s football, and clearly makes the game accessible and inclusive to a wider audience. We are fully committed to equality and inclusion. We don’t tolerate racism, discrimination on grounds of ability or disability, or allow ageism – these things are all against the law.

Gaby: Hmmm…but you do tolerate sexism, don’t you? And you do make sure that those who want to operate with a sexist outlook are honoured, in the same way that the club has yet to welcome an openly gay player. I mean, you are also homophobic as a club too, aren’t you?

Welby: I think you’ll find that sexism and homophobia are not the right words here. Discrimination on grounds of gender and sexuality have a long history in football, and are part of its traditions. We have obligations to those fans and board members that represent that honoured tradition, and they have every right to continue with their discriminatory views and practices. As do those who oppose them! But as an inclusive club, we treat all opinions and all people equally…

Gaby: But that makes no sense, Justin. You can’t do that with racism, can you?

Welby: Ah, but racism is illegal, and sexism and homophobia isn’t – well, at least not in football, though that is changing, and we are keeping our eye on changes in the law, though football is exempt, I think you’ll find, from equality laws that don’t continue to permit the perpetration of inequality.

Gaby: What about your fabulous gay centre forward from last season, now transferred to another club I gather, for an undisclosed fee? Some of the board refused to watch matches if he was in the team, and a few of your fans ripped up their season tickets in protest at him playing.

Welby: Well, these things are difficult. I get where the opposition comes from. And I get where the player comes from. And I get where the other fans are coming from. It is true that 95% of fans signed a petition saying they wanted him to play, but I have to consider the 5% who are not ready for that step yet. We owe it to them to keep them onside…

Gaby: Now, moving on, if I may, we interviewed Steve, your assistant coach last week, about the player-referee scandal, and since then some fans have come forward to complain about one of your players, Cole, who sometimes plays one half of a match for the home team, and the other half for the away team. Last week in the B-League, she was a defender for the Archbishops’ Council XI, and then at halftime became a midfielder for the Audit Committee XI. She scored twice – once in each half – but nobody knows if these are own goals. It’s a bit odd, isn’t it?

Welby: Oh, I don’t think so. The Owner-Chairman makes the team selection, and both these clubs are his, so it is quite normal for him to own the players too, as they are contracted to him, and they can therefore play for two teams at once, sometimes in the same match.

Gaby: How do the fans know whether or not this is match-fixing again? I mean, if Mr. Nye owns the players, the clubs and the referees, and chooses who plays and officiates each match, it is starting to feel like…well, I don’t know what word to use here, but maybe a bit corrupt?

Welby: I don’t think most fans would see it like that. They are just out for a good time and to watch entertaining football. We want them to pay for that and get value for money, subscribe to the club TV channel, keep renewing their season tickets, buy the merchandise, and spend their money. But the management of this club is something we do for them, and I think most fans are very glad to not know what is going on behind the closed doors of the board room, or even in the dressing room.

Gaby: One final question, Justin. Here you are, Lambeth Palace FC, languishing at the bottom of a league you can’t even be relegated from. You used to play against the likes of Newcastle, Nottingham, Manchester and Sheffield. With relegation, that changed to Leicester, Norwich, Ipswich, Birmingham, Blackburn, Coventry,  Southampton and Leeds. With another relegation, that opposition became clubs like Derby, Carlisle, Bristol, Oxford  and Portsmouth. And now you are up against the likes of Isle of Wight Drifters, Eton Old Boys, Hacienda Orient and South Croydon University Alumni. Where does it all end?

Welby: Gaby, I can tell you now that we have a proud history of taking on the best clubs in Italy, Spain, Germany and all the other competition we might face. We’re a big club. As big as Rome FC and Dynamite Moscow FC. As big as…well, big. And we are big. We’ll be back. Just you see. We just need more time to turn this around. I’ve been manager here for over a decade now, and all the problems we’ve encountered on my watch are ones we intend to fix on my watch. The previous management left us with a dreadful legacy, and we will climb out of this hole, now that we have got to the bottom of this, and there is no possibility of going down any further.

Gaby: Justin Welby, thank you. Garry, back to you again…