Episode Six: Things Fall Apart

It’s the end of the season, and after a slight up-swing in fortunes mid-season, Lambeth Palace FC find themselves rooted to the foot of the table yet again. The fans have long ceased to be restless, and made their feelings known by cutting up their season tickets and making a bonfire with them on the centre circle at half time, during the fixture with Baptist United. It was a dreadful game, with the Baptists barely able to field a team due to cuts in budgets, wage-strikes and transfers. They still won 3-1. Welby, the manager, soldiers on. He’s not looking to leave and talks wistfully of continuing until retirement.  Mr. Nye, the ever-elusive Chair and Owner of the club, is rarely seen at matches these days, but still holds 100% of the shares, and remains actively involved in team selection. With so little left to play for, and so few to play in front of, our reporter Gaby Lippy catches up with Welby after another home defeat.

Welby encouraged team prayers and gave a motivational talk before the final game of the season against the Methodist Marauders. Lambeth Palace lost 5-1, and had two players sent off, one for dissenting with the referee, a cousin of the Club Owner, Mr. Nye.

Gaby: Well, propping up the league again, I see, but at least there is no relegation from this division, so there is some good news for the fans after all, I guess?

Welby: Yes, that’s right Gaby. It’s not been our finest hour, but we are still in the game, thanks to the limitless support and funds provided by the Owner and Chair, Mr. Nye. I think that without him, it would certainly be a bit more challenging, so we really do have a lot to thank him for.

Gaby: Well, to be fair he provides all the cash, investment and the management, but it’s not actually his money, is it? I mean, this is a national club, and the Supporters Trust built the endowment over the centuries, so it is not actually his personal fortune here, is it? The English people own the club, don’t they?

Welby: I think your splitting hairs here, Gaby. Yes, it is not technically his own personal money, but he can still do whatever he wants with it anyway, so it is like it is his own cash. And he still makes all the financial decisions, buys the players, offloads or lends the players we don’t need now, or the ones that are not playing our kind of football. So, he’s busy in the transfer market all the time. And if there are players who need to be retired, or coaches and managers that need to be ‘let go’ or ‘moved on’ (as we like to say!), then he’s there in the foxhole for the club on that. I mean, fair play to Mr. Nye, the whole club runs through him, and there is no decision that matters that he hasn’t made. Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to imply you had split ends in your hair…

Gaby: …er, right. So, can we just look at a couple of the players this season who started out well, but have then, well…faded? Let’s start with your right-winger, Harrison. I mean, he causes trouble for the defence when he gets into the centre, and he’s a big lad for playing out right. He’s not quick, but he does well to wriggle out of tricky tackles. Yet we’ve not seen him for a while. Is he injured?

Welby: No, he’s fine, and funnily enough the lads nickname him the ‘Doctor’ because he fixes so many tricky situations and is incredibly good at doctoring anything the opposition throw at us. You don’t want to mess with Jamie!

Gaby: You mean he’s just like the Chairman?

Welby: Exactly! In fact, they really are good mates. Mr. Nye used to play on the right as an amateur, though oddly he likes to talk about being a deep central defender these days.

Gaby: Now, moving on, you’ve got Hughes who just came in at the end of last season. Lots of experience in foreign leagues, and a huge press conference when he took over from Spence, who retired. Hughes seemed to start brightly in midfield, distributing passes all over the pitch, but we haven’t seen him in ages.

Welby: Well to be honest, he’s not really settled, and we loaned him back to an overseas club for a spell. He’ll be back, but he’s having trouble adjusting to our style of play at Lambeth Palace.

Gaby: Now we have picked up on the difficulty of Mr. Nye owning and chairing more than one team in this league, and I wonder if you could clarify who Cole is playing for at present? One match Cole was in defence for Lambeth Palace for the first half, then switched sides and attacked for the second half. So, what’s going on here?

Welby: Ah, you’re referring to the Synod fixture at York, which I think was last season. Yes, Cole did play for both teams. Indeed, Cole still does play for both teams. But our philosophy at this club is simple. Provided a player does their best for both teams, even if playing in the same match, the Chairman is happy. They’re his players, after all, and he picks them on the basis that they play to the best of their ability in the position he puts them in – sometimes for different teams in the same match.

Gaby: Well, we could talk about all the players, I’m sure, but the one player that does frustrate fans the most is Grenfell, playing in goal. Except they’re not in goal, and in almost every fixture, and in the practice matches, Grenfell is not so much out of the box as out of the stadium, and nowhere to be found. What’s going on?

Welby: Grenfell is our Lead Goalie. Safeguarding that net is the job, and Grenfell wears the No.1 shirt.  Grenfell was picked by the Chairman. Make no mistake.

Gaby: Yes, but Grenfell is not injured, or on-loan…just absent. I mean, what is the point of a Lead Goalkeeper – your No.1 choice for goal keeping and safeguarding the net, as you say – who doesn’t play, or even turn up? I mean, how can they be first choice and completely absent at the same time..?

Welby: I don’t think you understand how football works at this club. If we name someone to play in a position, that is their designated position. That’s what they do, what they are, and what they must do is play with the ball in front of them… Before we named Grenfell as Lead Goalie for the team, it’s true that they had no track record in goalkeeping at all. But when we name someone for a position, we expect them to grow into the role over time, whether they come with any previous or relevant experience. So, it’s not really a problem that Grenfell had never kept goal before. Grenfell knew about football in general, and with our dynamic open play philosophy at Lambeth Palace FC, that means we can play any player anywhere on the pitch. True, sometimes it doesn’t work out. We put Snow and Hartley up front to partner with each other and score goals, which is what the fans want. But the chemistry between them wasn’t right, so Snow plays alone up front at the moment…though he isn’t getting much service from the rest of the team, which is a bit of an issue, and the number of own goals doesn’t help, I suppose. Still, Snow will be a great lone striker up front in due course…

Gaby: Yes Justin, I think this is the problem though, isn’t it? You seem to think that by naming somebody as your No.1 goalkeeper, they’ll safeguard the goal, flanked by the defence. But if your goalkeeper has never played in that position before, it’s hardly surprising you keep losing so badly, and the goalie then just goes AWOL or is always missing in action (MIA). I mean, it can’t be right that by naming anyone as a goalkeeper they really do then become the goalkeeper. That’s just fairyland logic, isn’t it?

Welby: Look, anyone can do a spot of goalkeeping. I mean, it’s actually everyone’s job. We must all do our bit to stop the ball hitting the net. Everyone knows a bit about goalkeeping – players, I mean. All we are saying is that Grenfell is now the Lead Goalkeeper. And that’s what Grenfell’s new green shirt says: “Grenfell, No. 1”! So, whenever you put the shirt on, you know you are the designated Lead Goalkeeper, and so you’d also know you can’t just run all over the pitch like some mad terrier-like midfielder.

Gaby: …seriously? I mean, you do have to be on the pitch to stop the goals going in. And it can’t be every player’s responsibility to keep goal, can it?

Welby: Well, don’t leave the fans out of this, Gaby! They have a responsibility to stop the goals too!

Gaby: You can’t be serious!

Welby: Well, I am serious. Goalkeeping is the responsibility of everyone who cares about Lambeth Palace FC. All we are saying is that Grenfell’s job is to be the No. 1 Goalkeeper, but we all share that responsibility too. Grenfell is the go-to person on the goal line to stop the opposition from scoring – that’s imperative – and hopefully launch the occasional counterattack. Grenfell loves the role and will grow into it as the number of appearances gradually increases – the Chairman has assured me of that – so watch and learn, as they say. There will be some big improvements next season. But it may take a few more seasons for things to really settle down and for the team to work together and find each other on the pitch. Just give us time. The fans need to be patient, that’s all.

Gaby: Well, thank you for all your time in these post-match interviews this season. Now, I know some of the most loyal season ticket holders are looking forward to your traditional end-of-season celebration in the gardens of the actual Lambeth Palace, where the Chairman and Owner mostly resides. I know it’s been a long while since there was any silverware to parade, but can the fans expect the usual fare come the end of May…?

Welby: Ha, hah. Yes, well, sadly not a trip to the Twin Towers of Wembley, (or Mordor!) or a European Cup to show off to the fans. Another year, perhaps. But no, you’re right Gaby, we run the Lambeth Parish Fete every year in the Chairman’s gardens, and all the usual stalls and attractions will be there. So, we look forward to seeing our Platinum and Premium Gold Season Ticket Holders next week, though sadly can’t admit Silver and Bronze members, or those claiming concessions. There’s just too many of them. But the good news is the event will be covered by GB News(!!) who are kindly sponsoring this year’s fun and games. Then we’re off on our long summer tour, hopefully coming back refreshed, ready to recommence our campaign to get back to winning ways in the Premiership, where we belong!

Gaby: Justin, thanks. Gary, back to you in the studio…